Why Me? Read online

  To: Mary Riley

  Subject: What do you think?

  Mary,

  OK that’s good news that you were shot. It will make the book reach out from the shelves and grab the reader by the balls. Right, Mary, I’ve been busy at this end. Have a look at the attached, it’s the cover and the opening page of the book which I think lets us really hit the ground running. Let me know what you reckon, I’ve added a couple of little tweaks but it’s largely based on what you’ve told me.

  Hope you like it!

  Bob Servant

  Managing Editor

  Sad Times Publishing

  ----------------

  From: Mary Riley

  To: Bob Servant

  Subject: Time for payment

  Bob it is exciting to see the book all together but this is not how i would speak with the bad language. I told you i am a charity giver and lover of God so why would i speak like this please change it. other things wrong also with the wolves and the prison because i have never committed a crime bob can’t you see the crime has all been done on me. and why would the wolves be there because i told you i had good parents.

  Ok bob you have had a lot from me and this book will now be a big success for you and your house will grow bigger even so send me now $5000 bob you know this is fair here is western union information send today bob.

  NAME:

  COUNTRY:

  STATE:

  BRANCH:

  TEST QUESTION: MARY

  TEST ANSWER: RILEY

  ----------------

  From: Bob Servant

  To: Mary Riley

  Subject: Could you handle Rice?

  Mary,

  Thanks for the feedback. Unfortunately the bad language has to stay. I don’t like it myself but because of computer games and rappers such as Biggie Smalls and Nick Berry all the kids are used to famous people speaking like dockers and, sadly, that includes you.

  It would actually work in our favour if you could develop what the nippers call a ‘beef’ with someone else in the public eye. Would you mind if I send out a press release where you challenge Aneka Rice to a fight? Photo attached, think you could you take her?

  Yours,

  Bob Servant

  Managing Editor

  Sad Times Publishing

  sad times publishing 1

  ----------------

  From: Mary Riley

  To: Bob Servant

  Subject: How can i fight when i am dying

  What is this what are you talking about. I will not fight someone and i only doing the book because you have asked me. where is my payment? I am not taking part in this any more until you make me payment immediately of $1000. that is more than fair.

  ----------------

  From: Bob Servant

  To: Mary Riley

  Subject: Rice is boiling over

  Mary,

  Things have backfired a bit. Aneka Rice wants your home address, can you send it over? She is actually very fit for her age and I can’t help thinking it was a bit daft of you to publicly challenge her to a fight in your condition.

  Under these circumstances I’m afraid we can no longer represent you here at Sad Times. While we don’t mind signing up people with a bit of an edge, you seem to be dangerously unhinged Mary and I think it would be best for everyone if we go our separate ways.

  Yours in fear,

  Bob Servant

  Managing Editor

  Sad Times Publishing

  ----------------

  NO REPLY

  26 This isn’t Bob’s house. In fact, it’s the Monifieth home of Snow Patrol keyboardist Tom ‘Tommy’ Simpson. This photo copyright © Scottish Celebrity Homes Magazine Ltd.

  27 The former television newsreader Sir Trevor McDonald has never shot a postman. He did, however, strangle his milkman in 1978. See Your Headlines Tonight: The Trevor McDonald Story p. 104 (‘I waited behind the dustbins until I saw him make his way up the path then sprung out like a panther and wrapped my hands around his neck. Afterwards I felt sick. I called Nicholas Witchell who told his wife he was opening a new Presto supermarket in Titchfield and drove straight round in his Volvo estate. We buried the milkman in a shallow grave on the edge of the New Forest. I remember Nicholas lightening the mood while we struggled to lift the milkman’s body by joking that the milkman was “full fat”. I always appreciated Nicholas for making that joke at what was a difficult time for me, and I would like to thank him again in print. Thank you, Nicholas, and, as the saying goes, I still owe you a pint! And not of milk!’)

  10

  Sad Times Publishing 2

  From: Owen Bell

  To: Bob Servant

  Subject: Help me

  Hello my Dearest,

  Due to my critical condition right now i will not hesitate to make known to you all about me so please do not deter as i am going to expose a lot about myself and background here to you. I am residing in Beylane camp as a refugee and as a refugee here i don’t have any right or privileged to any thing be it money or whatever because it is against the law of this country.

  My name is Mr Owen Bell, am 24 years old. I am from Liberia in West Africa. Am the only child of my parents and am studying law in the university before my parents past away. And my hope and aim to becoming a successful lawyer, but now my parents are no more. they were killed by civil war going on in my country.

  My late father Dr Patrick Bell, before his death deals and owned a company in Monrovia Liberia,

  Please listen to this and try to keep it to your self only. When my father was alive, he deposited some money in a bank and he used my name as next of kin. Now due to my refugee status and the law guiding this camp, i cannot make claims by myself, i need a partner preferably a foreigner who will stand on my behalf to the bank

  I am helpless without you, i am having no account, no raw money at hand for it is my wish to further life abroad. Send to me Your Full names, address , occupation and telephone number:

  Mr Owen Bell

  ----------------

  From: Bob Servant

  To: Owen Bell

  Subject: Quick one

  Owen,

  Ever thought of writing a book?

  Your Servant,

  Bob Servant

  Managing Editor

  Sad Times Publishing

  ----------------

  From: Owen Bell

  To: Bob Servant

  Subject: What do you mean?

  What is this about a book I am telling you about my troubles here in the camp so you must pay attention and read again the email. I need you to stand for me to the bank

  ----------------

  From: Bob Servant

  To: Owen Bell

  Subject: Here’s the gist of it

  Owen,

  Apologies, let me tell you a little more. I am the managing editor of an English publisher called Sad Times Publishing. We print, as you’ll have guessed, sad stories and in recent years we’ve had some of the biggest selling sad stories in England including

  My Head Is A Whirpool And I Can’t Swim – The Troubled Mind of Vernon Kay

  Sticks and Stones Broke My Bones – The Rise and Fall of Wolf from Gladiators

  Dumped! How I Pulled Myself Together and Learnt To Love Again by Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne

  I think your story could fit very comfortably indeed into our catalogue. We pay generously for the right stories and I think you’re sitting on a cracker (not in a saucy way).

  Are you in?

  Bob Servant

  Managing Editor

  Sad Times Publishing

  ----------------

  From: Owen Bell

  To: Bob Servant

  Subject: My price

  Dear Bob

  OK I understand. Well my story would sell millions of books all through the world and there could be a movie and TV for sure so for you it is chance to be rich. my story would be worth $1m and this is true Bob if you work it out
so this my start price and now we talk.

  Owen

  ----------------

  From: Bob Servant

  To: Owen Bell

  Subject: Absolute belter

  Owen

  Thanks for your email. I’ve not laughed that much since the first Gulf War.28 A million dollars eh? Let me tell you something pal. A couple of years back it was in the papers that Dawn French got a million quid for her autobiography. And that’s Frenchy we’re talking about, Owen, Frenchy. Now, Owen, you’re going to have to help me here. How in God’s name can you say you should get the same as old Frenchy?

  I attach a link and ‘screen grab’ of the famous scene from Vicar of Dibley where Frenchy falls into a puddle. Beat that.

  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rUpBTVilhzY&feature=related29

  Yours,

  Bob

  ----------------

  From: Owen Bell

  To: Bob Servant

  Subject: This is easy and not a book

  Bob,

  This is easy to do and in fact you shoold know that anyone with camera and rainfall is possible. any anyway Bob this is not a book this is a movie so how can you compare. I have told you some of my story but not all and you would not have written me if you did not see the book this could be. I told you this is just my start price and now we talk so make me counter offer

  Owen

  ----------------

  From: Bob Servant

  To: Owen Bell

  Subject: You’re not Frenchy

  Owen,

  Yes you could jump in a puddle but Frenchy was the first person to do it and that’s why she’s one of the nation’s favourite ‘funny women’ and you’re not. Sorry to be so blunt, Owen, but someone has to tell you. You’re wasting your time pretending to be Frenchy when you should be out working hard to provide for your family.

  Bob

  ----------------

  From: Owen Bell

  To: Bob Servant

  Subject: RE: You’re not Frenchy

  How can i work when i am in a refugee camp what is going on in your mind? This woman cannoy be the first person to fall into puddle you ask what is wrong with me but what is wrong with you? i am not pretending to be anyone but i think you are pretending to be someone with this nonsense

  ----------------

  From: Bob Servant

  To: Owen Bell

  Subject: Give Up

  Owen,

  OK, let me make this even clearer for you. You are not Dawn French. I’m sorry, Owen, I’m sure it stings to read it in black and white like that, but you’re a big boy and you need to accept it.

  You are not Dawn French, Owen, and, no matter how hard you try, you never will be.

  Don’t shoot the messenger,

  Bob

  ----------------

  From: Owen Bell

  To: Bob Servant

  Subject: RE: Give Up

  I DO NOW WANT TO BE DAWN FENCH TODAY OR ANY DAY YOU ARE SO STUPID AND YOU TELL ME TO GIVE UP WELL IT IS TIME YOU GIVE UP

  ----------------

  28 See The Dundee Courier, 2 August 1990: ‘Arabian Fights’.

  29 This link will indeed take you to a clip where Dawn French, in character as the Vicar of Dibley, falls into a puddle. In 2009 this clip was voted into second place by readers of Bravo women’s magazine in their ‘LOL of All Time’ competition. The winner was, of course, the unforgettable scene in Only Fools and Horses when Del Boy inexplicably falls through an open bar hatch. Third place was a sneezing panda.

  11

  Timmy’s First Skirt

  From: Michael Wong

  To: Bob Servant

  Subject: Return the form

  DEAR FRIEND,

  I write from the Alliance Bank here in Malaysia. We have an American client Raymond Beck who has now been killed in a car crash while vacation in the island of Bali. I seek a foreign repsesentative to seek the balance of his account $5.5m. If this interests you then simply return the form the below application directly to the bank. As you have assured me that you will maintain absolute confidentiality in this transaction, please keep it between both of us and never mention my name to the bank as I will be guiding you step by step to avoid any mistake. Once you get any response please get back to me without delay. Proceed now and email the bank on address as follows:

  info@

  APPLICATION FOR THE RELEASE OF FUNDS INTO MY DESIGNATED ACCOUNT

  ATTN: DIRECTOR FOREIGN REMITTANCE DIRECTOR

  I AM MR/MRS ...................... OF................ AND I WOULD WANT YOU TO INTIMATE ME ON THE MODALITIES AND PROCESS TO GET THE FUNDS LEFT FOR ME BY MY LATE RELATIVE (Mr. Raymond Beck) WHO HAS A FIXED DEPOSIT ACCOUNT #546556664-854 IN YOUR BANK AND DIED IN THE YEAR 2006.

  PLEASE INFORM ME OF THE REQUIREMENTS TO GET THE SAID FUNDS OF USD $8.5 MILLION TRANSFERRED INTO MY BANK ACCOUNT WITHOUT DELAYS. I WOULD GREATLY APPRECIATE IF YOU WOULD DO THIS WITH SWIFTNESS AND GET BACK TO ME WITH THESE INFORMATION’S TO ALLOW MY PROCESSING THE TRANSFER RIGHT AWAY.

  MY ACCOUNT DETAILS

  Michael Wong

  Alliance Bank

  Malaysia

  ----------------

  From: Bob Servant

  To: Michael Wong

  Subject: You’ve Ripped Out My Heart And Thrown Away The Key

  Michael,

  Terrible news about Raymond ‘Old Slowhands’ Beck. I used to bowl with the guy and I can’t believe that right now he’s slowly unbuttoning his cardigan in the great changing room in the sky. I’ve not been this shocked since Cliff Richard shat in the umpire’s chair at Wimbledon.30

  However I will not shoot the messenger (there’s been enough killing) and I will now enter a one-week period of mourning. I’m going to go and get a triple supper from Maciocia’s chip shop and stick on some Michael Marra. It’s what Slowhands would have wanted.

  I would ask you and your extended family to do the same.

  See you on the other side,

  Your Servant,

  Bob Servant

  ----------------

  From: Michael Wong

  To: Bob Servant

  Subject: Return the form

  DEAR BOB,

  Please forward the below application directly to the bank.

  APPLICATION FOR THE RELEASE OF FUNDS INTO MY DESIGNATED ACCOUNT

  ATTN: DIRECTOR FOREIGN REMITTANCE DIRECTOR

  I AM MR/MRS ...................... OF................ AND I WOULD WANT YOU TO INTIMATE ME ON THE MODALITIES AND PROCESS TO GET THE FUNDS LEFT FOR ME BY MY LATE RELATIVE (Mr. Raymond Beck) WHO HAS A FIXED DEPOSIT ACCOUNT #546556664-854 IN YOUR BANK AND DIED IN THE YEAR 2006.

  PLEASE INFORM ME OF THE REQUIREMENTS TO GET THE SAID FUNDS OF USD $8.5 MILLION TRANSFERRED INTO MY BANK ACCOUNT WITHOUT DELAYS.

  I WOULD GREATLY APPRECIATE IF YOU WOULD DO THIS WITH SWIFTNESS AND GET BACK TO ME WITH THESE INFORMATION’S TO ALLOW MY PROCESSING THE TRANSFER RIGHT AWAY.

  MY ACCOUNT DETAILS

  Michael Wong

  Alliance Bank

  Malaysia

  ----------------

  From: Michael Wong

  To: Bob Servant

  Subject: Return the form

  Bob,

  How are you doing today? It has been three days now since I forward you the application and you have refuse to reply me. Please do not cheap me in this way I brought you on here to be my partner and I have risk my job at the bank. Please update me with the latest information right now Bob.

  Yours,

  Michael

  Michael Wong

  Alliance Bank

  Malaysia

  ----------------

  From: Bob Servant

  To: Michael Wong

  Subject: I beg your pardon?

  Michael,

  Are you having a fucking laugh? You tell me that Raymond ‘The Glacier’ Beck is dead and I tell you I would like a week to mourn and then you pester me like this? You’re putting me under an unbelievable amount of pressure h
ere, Michael. I feel like Nigel Mansell on a hen do.

  Michael, I am a 64 year old successful businessman from Broughty Ferry, Dundee. You simply do not get to that position without knowing your onions. You seem to think you can whistle and I will stop my car and lean out like a sheep dog and ask ‘how high?’

  Show me some respect.

  Bob

  ----------------

  From: Michael Wong

  To: Bob Servant

  Subject: So Sorry Bob

  BOB

  I AM REALLY SORRY OF THE WORDS I USED FOR YOU. PLEASE FORGIVE ME AND HAVE MERCY ON ME. I PROMISE TO SHOW RESPECT AND HONOR TO YOU. PLEASE SIR HAVE YOU CONTACT THE BANK YET WITH THE APPLICATION LETTER YET?

  GOD BLESS YOU AND SORRY

  Michael Wong

  Alliance Bank

  Malaysia

  ----------------

  From: Bob Servant

  To: Michael Wong

  Subject: Last chance

  Michael,

  OK I will give you another chance. Anyway, don’t worry, Michael, because I have a wife and a young son so I know all about tantrums and tears and superman pyjamas. And I also have a son!

  Sorry I could probably have done a bit better with that joke. How about: I have a wife and young son so I know all about lipstick and kissing and saucy knickers. And I also have a son! No, I also have a wife!

  That maybe sends the wrong message. How about: I have a wife and son so I know all about muddy knees, and scratched elbows and ruffling hair and I also have a dog! And lipstick and saucy knickers. And I also have a dog!

  That’s not really hitting the mark either. Jesus, sorry Michael, my mind’s all over the shop here. I feel like Mystic Meg in a car wash.

  Bob

  ----------------

  From: Michael Wong

  To: Bob Servant

  Subject: Thank You

  Dear Bob,

  Thank you for your jokes which were fun. Now please Bob we are friends now and it is important to proceed with the oportunity we have before us. You have all in the information and the form I have given you so please look at it and get this to the bank today.

  Thank you Bob

  Michael

  Michael Wong

  Alliance Bank

  Malaysia

  ----------------

  From: Bob Servant

  To: Michael Wong

  Subject: Let The Dog See The Rabbit?

  Michael,

  OK I have printed out the forms and will be giving them the once over later tonight with a mug of OVD rum. In the meantime I was wondering if you could send a photo of yourself? I like to know who I’m dealing with as I’m sure you do as well. Could you send me your work ID?