Why Me? Read online

  We are certified, trustworthy and reliable. Just send your personal information to begin. The form is attached again.

  Our Address for your records Bob

  Registered Company Name: Standard Alliance Loans international, Inc.

  RC No: 04589

  Office Address: New Delhi

  Telephone Number:

  Best Regards,

  Peter Smith

  Financial Services

  ----------------

  From: Bob Servant

  To: Peter Smith

  Subject: OK

  Peter,

  OK, here’s my full plan for the loan. I want to start a magazine called Twinklers. What kind of magazine will Twinklers be? Hold tight and I’ll tell you. Twinklers will exclusively feature amateur models with particularly twinkly eyes. You simply do not get anything better in life, Peter, than a decent set of twinkly eyes. Wogan built a career on it and he wasn’t the only one: look at the Queen Mum, Des Lynam or Fatima Whitbread. But I won’t be pulling in any big guns like that. I want to find fresh meat, local talent from the streets of Dundee. I’m going to trawl through the bars with Frank and his disposable camera and find some top-level twinklers, then stick their mugs in the magazine and get it out there.

  Now, I know what your worry might be here, Peter. You’re probably wondering if this is jazz mag territory. Well I can assure you right now, with my hand on my liver, that it is nothing of the sort. Look Peter, I’m not naive. I know that for a certain type of weirdo a nice set of twinklers might be right up their street in a jazz mag sense but you can’t blame me for that. I’m selling them the bullets, I’m not asking them to fire their guns.

  Bob

  ----------------

  From: Peter Smith

  To: Bob Servant

  Subject: This is OK

  Bob,

  This is quite confusing but you are saying you will start a magazine with the loan? This is OK. All is OK, just send the information.

  Peter Smith

  Financial Services

  ----------------

  From: Bob Servant

  To: Peter Smith

  Subject: We’re talking ten

  Peter,

  Thanks for giving Twinklers the nod. I have set things in motion over here. I just went and chanced my arm with Inky Edwards. Inky, as you may be aware, has the big newsagents on the Dundee Road, and what that guy doesn’t know about the magazine game isn’t worth knowing.

  Inky was good enough to give me a few minutes and I told him all about Twinklers and the hopes that you and I have for it. I’ll put you out your misery straight away, Peter: Inky loved it. He reckons he’s good for ten copies and we could sell them for a fiver each. So that’s £50 coming in as sales so, by my calculations, we should therefore spend about £10,000 on putting the magazine together.

  So I hereby request £10,000 from you Peter. That’s right, ten large. Ten bags of sand.

  Bob

  Editor

  Twinklers Magazine

  ----------------

  From: Peter Smith

  To: Bob Servant

  Subject: Approved

  Bob,

  I have good news, your application for £10,000 has been fully approved by the board. We think that this magazine will be a success and we trust you and believe your character is good.

  Therefore we need just the application in full,

  Thank you and congratulations on your loan.

  Peter Smith

  Financial Services

  ----------------

  From: Bob Servant

  To: Peter Smith

  Subject: Slogan

  Peter,

  I’m getting on with the form. A quick one in the meantime, how about this for a slogan for the mag:

  Twinklers: Putting A Twinkle in Your Day and a Winkle in Your Way!

  Thoughts?

  Bob

  ----------------

  From: Peter Smith

  To: Bob Servant

  Subject: Fine

  Bob,

  That is a good idea it will help get attention. We are impressed with you Bob and the loan is yours as soon as we have the form.

  Peter

  ----------------

  From: Bob Servant

  To: Peter Smith

  Subject: It’s not really working for me

  Pedro,

  I’ve had a good look at the slogan you suggested. To be honest, I can’t quite follow what you’re getting at. What do you actually mean by ‘a Winkle in Your Way’? Maybe I’m missing the joke but to me it sounds like gibberish?

  Bob

  ----------------

  From: Peter Smith

  To: Bob Servant

  Subject: That was you not me

  Bob,

  I never suggested this saying it was you do not remember? I did not think it was sense either but did not say from respect for you. Now Bob where is the form?

  Peter

  ----------------

  From: Bob Servant

  To: Peter Smith

  Subject: Early Contenders

  Peter,

  Phew, I’m glad you agree we need to scrap your slogan. That could have been a really awkward one and really it’s a ‘well done’ to you for holding your hands up and admitting you’d sold me a pup. I’m going to stick with Twinklers: Putting a Twinkle in Your Day!

  Now, Peter. Frank and I went out last night on our first twinklers hunt and I think we’ve come up with a few early contenders for the first issue. As the executive editor, we’ll obviously be guided by you. So can you just pick out your top three?

  As soon as you do that I’ll get my info to you,

  Yours,

  Bob Servant

  Editor, Twinklers Magazine: Putting a Twinkle in Your Day!

  ----------------

  From: Peter Smith

  To: Bob Servant

  Subject: What is this?

  Bob,

  What are you doing? I do not want to be direct involved in your magazine Bob. However if needed I will pick the pretty girl and the man in the hat. Now see your side of bargain right Bob I have done my job more than enough.

  Peter

  ----------------

  From: Bob Servant

  To: Peter Smith

  Subject: Dogs?

  Peter,

  Had a bit of a brainwave. How about ‘Pet’s Corner’ where people can submit photos of any pets that they reckon have a decent pair of twinklers? I went out with Frank and got some samples from the dog mob. Would you mind picking the first entry for Pet’s Corner?

  The form is nearly done,

  Bob

  ----------------

  From: Peter Smith

  To: Bob Servant

  Subject: OK

  Bob,

  Well Bob only 2 of them are real dogs which you must know. I will say the dog with white hair it looks fun.

  I am starting to wonder what you are doing here Bob. I am the manager of the loan company I do not have responsibility to help you with the magazine itself.

  SEND THE INFORMATION RIGHT NOW Bob

  Peter

  ----------------

  From: Bob Servant

  To: Peter Smith

  Subject: A Walk On The Wild Side?

  Peter,

  I had a little think. When wild animals are tamed they tend to lose a bit of twinkle from their eyes, just look at Moby Dick or George Best. So instead of domestic pets, why don’t we ‘take a walk on the wild side’?

  To that end Frank and I headed up to Dundee’s famous Ninewells Zoo earlier this afternoon. It’s just reopened after that nonsense about the wardens being too pally with the animals.25 Anyway, we got some shots below.

  What do you think? Do you see a cover star amongst them?

  Bob

  Editor, Twinklers Magazine: Putting a Twinkle in Your Day!

  ----------------

  From: Peter Smith

  To: Bob Servant
/>
  Subject: Have heard enough

  Bob Servant,

  I am losing trust in you now. I know you are wanting to do this magazine with the eyes and now the animals but Bob this is not my job. I am only arranging the loan.

  Where is your personal information? This has been promised by you for so long it is just not right.

  What are you doing?

  Peter Smith

  Financial Services

  ----------------

  From: Bob Servant

  To: Peter Smith

  Subject: The Worst Possible News

  Peter,

  I just had a pretty awful meeting with Inky Edwards. I told him what we’ve been up to, and how you wanted to push the animal angle, and the guy looked at me like I had two noses.

  To cut a long story short, Inky is withdrawing his support for Twinklers. He says that when he first heard of the idea he was all for it because he liked the fact that with all the council cutbacks we were going to support local folk through giving them work modelling their twinklers for the magazine. But he said we’ve lost our way with the animal thing because that is not helping the local unemployed. As Inky said, and it was hard to argue with him, ‘no-one’s ever sacked a penguin’.

  With the loss of Inky’s order, Peter, I have zero customers. With the best will in the world, you can’t run a business without customers. You’ll know what I mean by that. I’m afraid the game’s up and I just don’t know what else to say, Peter. I feel like Rory Bremner is throwing darts at my balls while talking like John Major. Again, you’ll know what I mean by that.

  Your Servant,

  Bob Servant

  Former Editor of Twinklers Magazine: Putting a Twinkle in Your Day!

  ----------------

  From: Peter Smith

  To: Bob Servant

  Subject: final option

  Send the information today or you forget about the loan

  ----------------

  23 Bob uses Geldof both as verb and noun. ‘Geldof me up’, is a request for payment, while ‘Are you Geldoffed?’ or ‘Have you got any Geldof?’ are interchangeable queries as to whether someone possesses money. See also his use of Mugabe. ‘He got Mugabe’d’ can mean that someone has been: beaten up, robbed or become heavily intoxicated, whereas ‘He’s having a Mugabe’ has, in my experience, solely meant that someone is enjoying a day of good fortune at the bookmakers. If I had the time, and you the patience, I would similarly cover Bob’s multiple uses of ‘Alegiah’ and ‘Corbett’. possible in this transaction.

  24 See The Dundee Courier, 3 March, 2011: ‘No More Fancy Dress at Broughty Bank (‘ “The public spoke and we’ve listened,” said branch manager Gordon Smart, from within a pantomime cow.’)

  25 See The Dundee Courier, 13 March 2011: ‘Zoo Apologises for “Over-friendly” Wardens’ (‘The director of Dundee’s Camperdown Zoo apologised today after it was revealed that a number of wardens had been befriending the animals in their care. One warden was reported to have regularly visited the nearby Odeon cinema with a chimpanzee while a senior warden has resigned after it emerged he went on holiday to Ibiza with an ostrich. “The wardens have been spoken to,” said Zoo Director Steven Godden. “The otter is healthy and other than a couple of minor issues, so is the ostrich.” Under further questioning, Godden admitted that the ostrich is suffering from sunburn and now bears a tattoo reading “Boys on Tour, Ibiza 2011, No Limits”.’)

  9

  Sad Times Publishing 1

  From: Mary Riley

  To: Bob Servant

  Subject: Can you help?

  Dearly Beloved,

  My name is Mrs. Mary Riley and I write this to you through my tears of sorrow. I am a dying woman who has decided to donate what I have to charity through you. You may be wondering why I chose you. But someone has to be chosen. I am 66 years old and have been touched by the lord to donate from what I have inherited from my late husband to charity through you for the good work of humanity. I had good parents who died and now i am careful to stop my husband’s bad relatives from to use his hard earned funds inappropriately.

  I have asked the lord to forgive me all my sins and I believe he has, because He is merciful. You no idea that problems I have had in my life. It has been so hard from the very start and now I want to give the sum of (GBP 8 Million) to charity through you for the good work of the lord, and to help the motherless, less privileged and also for the assistance of the widows.

  At the moment I cannot take any telephone calls, due to the fact that I have been restricted by my doctor from taking telephone calls because I deserve all the rest I can get. Please contact my lawyer with your details though the details attach.

  Yours in trust,

  Mary Riley

  ----------------

  From: Bob Servant

  To: Mary Riley

  Subject: Quick one

  Mary,

  Ever thought of writing a book?

  Your Servant,

  Bob Servant

  Managing Editor

  Sad Times Publishing

  ----------------

  From:Mary Riley

  To: Bob Servant

  Subject: Re: Quick one

  What do you mean by this? Have you contacted my lawyer as the plan?

  ----------------

  From: Bob Servant

  To: Mary Riley

  Subject: Sad Times Publishing

  Mary,

  Wipe your tears away my friend because I have some news that I think will lift your chin right up into the clouds. Mary, I am the Managing Editor of a Scottish publisher called Sad Times Publishing. We’re largely looking for stories like yours, real weepies that will reach into our reader’s bodies through their eyes and play merry hell with their hearts. They’re called misery memoirs over here, Mary, and we’ve been behind all the big Scottish ones in recent years such as –

  Black, Blue and Hungry Too – The Terrible Story of Jimmy Krankie

  Please Dad, Not the Face! – The Awful Life of Andrew Marr

  and

  I Just Need(ed) a Friend – How the pop band Texas escaped a life of poverty and pick pocketing to top the music charts.

  Mary, I think your story would fit very comfortably indeed into our wee collection. Are you on board? Will you ‘lift the biro’ for Sad Times Publishing?

  Yours,

  Bob Servant

  Managing Editor

  Sad Times Publishing

  ----------------

  From: Mary Riley

  To: Bob Servant

  Subject: Payment

  Bob,

  Yes I can tell you my terrible story that will be like this others that you have. Please Bob I will tell you my story and now can maybe an advance payment to be helpful my dear? I took it upon myself as a challenge to God that i must fulfill a charity deed in life. There are more you don’t know about me and If you agree with me to have my full story you will have to do what i have requested. What is the pay? It will boost my charity giving.

  Whenever I think about my life I cry and I cry now just thinking about what I have been through.

  Mary

  ----------------

  From: Bob Servant

  To: Mary Riley

  Subject: Dry those old eyes

  Mary,

  Stop crying for God’s sake, you’ll get me started and when I cry I don’t mess about. In 1982 I cried for four days after watching ET. For the first two days I was crying because I thought it was a documentary and for the next two days I was crying because someone told me that it wasn’t.

  Mary, I’m interested in your story and don’t you worry about the money side of things. If you want to get rich then write yourself a book that does ‘not bad’ in Scotland and from then on everything you touch turns to gravy. Men want to be you and women want to sue you. I’ve done a few books myself and I attach a photo of my house.

  For now can you just give me the best stuff from your story. What’s the very wors
t thing that’s happened to you?

  All the best,

  Bob Servant

  Managing Editor

  Sad Times Publishing

  26

  ----------------

  From: Mary Riley

  To: Bob Servant

  Subject: This for now

  Dear beloved Bob

  i am so happy that you want to use my story to write a book that will touch peoples lives. Well I will give you just some for now but you must know because of the money $8m (million) that I have I have been in danger for some time. In fact several attempts to assassinate me have been made but all their plans keeps failing them. I cannot believe really I would have not been dead by now.

  You see Bob this is a story you will not believe and it will be a success for you. Now let us talk of a payment and we can enter the next level of my story. If this is your house like you say a first payment wil be easy for you

  Mary Riley

  ----------------

  From: Bob Servant

  To: Mary Riley

  Subject: I like it Mary, I like it a lot

  Mary,

  This is all great stuff. People love a good assassination story. Just look at JFK or when Sir Trevor McDonald shot his postman.27 Can you give me a bit more of what we call ‘colour’ on the assassination attempt? I presume he had a gun?

  Also for the title of your book I’ve had a wee think and I’m considering the options below.

  Every Cloud Has a Lining of More Cloud – My Hell by Mary Riley

  Don’t Shoot! – The Mary Riley Story

  Jesus Christ, He’s Got A Gun! – The Life and Times of Mary Riley

  I’ll have a go at the ‘blurb’ for the cover now as well,

  Cheers,

  Bob

  ----------------

  From: Mary Riley

  To: Bob Servant

  Subject: Information for you

  Well Bob I was shot at by a bandit who wanted my money and the bullet hit in the shoulder and I was in hospital for months before well enough to continue with the charity. After the attack i resolved with the plan of my late husbands attorney to wear a bullet proof vest always.

  It is OK whatever you want to call the book and I believe this is enough and will give you more stories when i get to hear your offer. I must go now because I am weak now do not forget how sick i am bob and your payment for my story will go all on medicine.

  Mary Riley

  ----------------

  From: Bob Servant