Why Me? Read online

  Neil Forsyth is an author, journalist and writer for radio and TV. A fellow Dundonian and friend to Bob Servant for over twenty years he has previously assisted Servant on two books, Delete This At Your Peril – The Bob Servant Emails and Bob Servant – Hero of Dundee, as well as the BBC Radio 4 series The Bob Servant Emails.

  Forsyth is also the author of Other People’s Money, the biography of fraudster Elliot Castro, and the novel Let Them Come Through.

  Praise for Bob Servant (Delete This at Your Peril and Bob Servant – Hero of Dundee)

  ‘A former cheeseburger magnate and semi-retired window cleaner, Bob is a delightfully deranged but likeable rogue. Drinking in and chasing ‘skirt’ around the bars of Broughty Ferry with ne’er-do-well mates such as Frank the Plank, he is a late middle-aged working-class eccentric in the vein of John Shuttleworth . . . a living, breathing creation of comic genius . . . Today, Broughty Ferry. Tomorrow, the world? Bookbag

  ‘Bob Servant is a very, very funny book. You will piss yourself and then quote sections of this book repeatedly within your circle of friends’

  Irvine Welsh

  ‘Reminds me how good good comic writing can be . . . The surrealism is perfect’

  Scotland on Sunday

  ‘This is one of the funniest books ever compiled . . . the work of a comedy genius’

  The Skinny

  ‘Neil has captured something particular of the Dundonian, surreal sense of humour. And I don’t think we’ve ever had that before. We’ve had Billy Connolly and Lex McLean’s Glasgow stories and traditions, but now we’ve got this Dundee creature who is just so funny . . . I was in hysterics’

  Brian Cox

  ‘Hilarious, full of sly, Scottish humour’ Martin Kelner, The Guardian

  ‘He’s a Henry Root for the digital age . . . a hilarious collection’ GT Magazine

  ‘Hurrah for Bob Servant! Read it in private as it will make you laugh out loud’

  The Book Magazine

  ‘Brilliant entertainment. Funny, absurd, engaging comedy’

  Felix Dexter

  ‘Bob is a serious man, a thoughtful man, a complicated man, who knows that when holding a man’s cock in the bathroom you look straight ahead’

  Sharp Magazine

  ‘There’s stuff in here that Chic Murray would have been proud of’

  Sanjeev Kohli

  ‘Wildly unpredictable, roaringly funny’

  Daily Express

  ‘Some of the funniest emails you will ever read and some of the best comedy I have read in a while’

  Lunch.com

  ‘These are the writings of a clearly deranged mind’

  Soteria

  ‘Delete This at Your Peril will not win the Booker Prize’ The Kilkenny Advertiser

  ‘– Didn’t do it for me, a bit lazy . . . I just didn’t connect to Bob as a person’

  M. Thomas, Amazon.co.uk

  Why Me?

  Also by Neil Forsyth featuring Bob Servant

  Bob Servant – Hero of Dundee

  Delete This at Your Peril – The Bob Servant Emails

  Fiction

  Let Them Come Through

  Non-fiction (with Elliot Castro)

  Other People’s Money. The Rise and Fall of Britain’s Most Audacious Fraudster

  Why Me?

  -------------------------

  The Very Important Emails of Bob Servant

  -------------------------

  Neil Forsyth

  First published in 2011 by

  Birlinn Limited

  West Newington House

  10 Newington Road Edinburgh

  EH9 1QS

  www.birlinn.co.uk

  All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored or transmitted in any form without the express written permission of the publisher.

  The moral right of Neil Forsyth to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988

  The moral right of Bob Servant to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in Stewpot’s Bar, Broughty Ferry, Dundee on a number of occassions

  ISBN: 978 1 78027 009 8

  eBook ISBN: 978 0 85790 093 7

  Picture credits

  pp. 4, 39, 42, 72 (left), 73 (left), 134 supplied by the author

  pp. 15, 19, 82, 83, 114, 130, 131 by Mark Blackadder

  All other artwork supplied by Getty Images

  British Library Cataloguing-in-Publication Data

  A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library

  Typeset by Brinnoven, Livingston

  Printed and bound by Clays Ltd, St Ives plc

  For Rhiannon, my skirt, with love

  Contents

  Introduction by Neil Forsyth

  A Big ‘Hello’ from Bob Servant

  1 Why Me? 1

  2 Bob the Oilman

  3 The Football and Timmy Servant

  4 Dr Kenny Wilson

  5 Bob’s Phone Number

  6 The War at Home

  7 Why Me? 2

  8 Twinklers

  9 Sad Times Publishing 1

  10 Sad Times Publishing 2

  11 Timmy’s First Skirt

  12 Bob the Poet

  13 The Church of Broughty Ferry

  14 The Skirt Hunt and the Dunblane Hydro

  15 The Vanishing Beard

  16 Deadeye the Fleet-footed Wonderboy

  17 The Bob Servant Experience

  18 Why Me? 3

  Acknowledgements

  Introduction by Neil Forsyth

  Two bewildering decades have passed since I first met Bob Servant. Over that time I have encountered him as a window cleaner, a startlingly successful cheeseburger van operator and, in the last few years, an author of books which I have been given the task of editing. This is his third book and, as when I worked with him on the others, a part of me hopes it will be his last.

  Bob’s recent emergence as Scotland’s least likely man of letters has caught most by surprise while apparently pleasing others. For them, a new addition to the Servant collection is perhaps greeted with a shade of excitement. For me it has meant the usual hardship. I know these are the first words you’re encountering in a book bought for light diversion, and I apologise for the negativity, but I find it hard to offer an upbeat alternative.

  My suffering began with Bob’s standard approach to me in these matters, a phone call bristling with hubris and mild aggression. He had been ‘back on the emails’ and ‘the results speak for themselves’. I was instructed to return with immediate effect to our shared hometown of Dundee– Scotland’s sunniest city that sits in honest contemplation by the River Tay.

  Reluctantly I boarded a train, to be met by Bob at Dundee’s gleaming station. He had commandeered an aging Ford Sierra from a local pub landlord and took me on a tour of the city – sweeping up the Dundee Law hill to gaze down on the streets below, zipping between the glory-drenched football stadiums, crawling respectfully past the city centre’s Desperate Dan statue and then finally down into the riverside suburb of Broughty Ferry, Bob’s personal fiefdom.

  It is in Broughty Ferry that Bob feels truly at home, and to see him marching through the streets is an astonishing sight. He liberally dispenses nods and winks to those he passes, whether they know him or not, and his hands are busy with shakes, pats and various tweaks which are greeted with delight by children and an often extreme discomfort by adults. The sight of Bob roughhousing with an uncooperative traffic warden, who was on the verge of tears throughout, remains disappointingly fresh in my mind.

  Finally we retreated to Bob’s favoured Stewpot’s Bar where he told me of his plans for the book you currently hold. I asked, hesitantly, if a s
equel of further emails was in any way a cash-in.

  ‘World War Two was a sequel,’ said Bob gravely. ‘Was that a cash-in? Was beating the Nazis a cash-in?’

  When Bob is in this kind of form, and I’m not sure I’ve ever seen him in another, there is little to be gained by debate. Instead I visited his ludicrous house the following morning and gathered the emails he had exchanged with spammers around the world.

  For the third occasion I found myself in Dundee’s central library for long weeks, trying to piece together a Bob Servant book. The emails themselves were as intriguing as ever, but as usual I was soon immersed in the library’s Dundee Courier archive in my loyal attempt to stand up Bob’s more unlikely claims. You will observe my woe through the book’s editorial footnotes.

  Two months later, drained by 12-hour days with Bob’s inanity, I stood on his doorstep with the edited proof in my hands. As always I was seeking to leave Dundee after my tasks were done to avoid Bob’s excitement as publication approached. I have heard various stories about Bob’s behaviour in the days after last year’s book release, when his titles sailed to the top of Dundee Waterstone’s famously impregnable charts and Bob made an appearance on Grampian Television that still provokes local debate.

  Bob led me to his living room where he’d been relaxing with an indeterminate alcoholic cocktail and an episode of the You’ve Been Framed television show which I noticed, with alarm, was not being transmitted but was playing from VHS video.

  ‘This clip is top three,’ said Bob sincerely while we watched a man sit on a plastic bin at a family barbecue before the bin’s lid gave way, sucking the man within it while screaming family members ran to his aid. ‘Not of all time,’ added Bob helpfully, ‘just of that series.’

  I gave Bob the book’s proof and mentioned the Acknowledgements section. He told me to come and find him the next day and that we would ‘have a good time’, a phrase which, when used by Bob, always means that I am going to have a bad time.1

  After this burst of co-operation he grew distant once more, dividing his attention between myself and a compilation of people suffering mishaps in and around small rivers, streams and recreational lakes. Bob confided that he lacked appreciation for You’ve Been Framed clips involving people falling into water because they were ‘as predictable as Christmas’ and there was ‘no real twist’.

  I stood, shook Bob’s hand and left him giggling quietly to himself, the mysterious cocktail close by and an endless stream of infantile entertainment flickering before him. In retrospect, I don’t think I have ever seen him so happy.

  Neil Forsyth

  London

  2011

  1 See the Acknowledgements section, where I have a bad time.

  A Big ‘Hello’ from Bob Servant

  You know what? People think it’s easy being me, but it’s not. They see the big house and the extension and all my jumpers and so on and they think ‘He’s got it easier than Mandela’. But I don’t. Because, like Mandela, my smile is just a frown in fancy dress and I’m under pressure. Terrible, terrible pressure.

  When people see me in the street here in Dundee they all want a joke or a story. They want me to give them a wee slap or do something with my eyes that they think is just for them. It’s knackering and after a while it just gets too much. As a result I’ve found myself staying in the house more and more these days. When I’m sitting here in my pyjamas I can have an honest drink or bite to eat without being pestered by the punters and the boo boys. I just want to hide from the world, like Greta Garbo or Terry Wogan.

  That’s what got me back on the computer. Talking to the Internet brigade is how I spend my days because you know where you are with this mob. They’re cowboys, yes, I accept that but people forget that cowboys weren’t all bad. Cowboys treated their horses like princesses and how many of us can honestly say that we’ve done the same? People who live in greenhouses shouldn’t throw bricks.

  That bit there about the horses was a metaphor really because, when it comes to the emails, I am like a jockey. I pick my rides and I get them to the end of the course but I don’t always go the right way round the track. Sometimes I’ll jump over the fence and trample on some of the punters but one way or another I’ll be there at the winning post, with my head held high and my face covered with the punters’ blood.

  Come ride with me.

  Bob Servant

  Dundee

  2011

  Neil Forsyth (left) and Bob Servant, Broughty Ferry, 2011

  An aged man is but a paltry thing,

  A tattered coat upon a stick, unless

  Soul clap its hand and sing

  William Butler Yeats (1865–1939)

  I have a great deal of company in the house, especially in the morning when nobody calls.

  Henry David Thoreau (1817–1862)

  Life’s like a box of spanners, David. You choose a spanner and you stand there and say, ‘Oh look at me with my spanner.’ Hang on. Sorry, I think I meant hammers, not spanners. Christ, what is it? Look, David, what I’m saying is this: ‘Put down your spanner and have a good time.’

  Bob Godzilla Servant (1945–)

  1

  Why Me? 1

  From: Rose

  To: Bob Servant

  Subject: Why Me?

  Hello dear,

  My name is Rose. I am 24 years old and am residing in the refugee camp in Sudan as a result of the civil war in my country. Please listen to this important information. My late father was the managing director of a major Factory and he was the personal advicer to the former head of state before the rebels attacked our house and killed my mother and my father in cold blood. It was only me that is alive now and I managed to make my way to this camp.

  When my father was alive he deposited money in one of the leading banks in Europe which he used my name as the next of kin. The amount in question is $9.3 (Nine Million three Hundred Thousand US Dollars). And i have contacted the bank so that i can have the money to start a new life but they requested that i should have a foreign partner as my representative due to my living status here. I know that you would be a proper person for this. I know already that I trust you. I need only your information.

  Yours in love

  Rose

  ----------------

  From: Bob Servant

  To: Rose

  Subject: Why You Indeed, My Friend, Why You Indeed

  Rose,

  Thanks for writing. I hope you’re having a lovely time at your summer camp and aren’t staying up too late with the other girls talking about boys! Your email got me thinking. I recently published a book of email exchanges with people much like yourselves where we had a bit of a mess about and so forth but no-one got hurt and, if you have the time, I wondered if you would be interested in taking part in a sequel?

  Your Servant,

  Bob Servant

  ----------------

  From: Rose

  To: Bob Servant

  Subject: I rejoice to hear from you

  Good Day Mr Bob

  I rejoice from reading your mail. We can now have this money from the bank and have a new life together. You are a good man Bob and now please send the details below. It is so hard here in the refugee camp Bob the people have nothing.

  (1)Your Full name:

  (2)Your Phone number:

  (3)Your Contact address:

  (4)Your Age:

  (5) Bank Name:

  (6) Bank Address:

  (7) Number of Account:

  (8) International Account Routing Number:

  Remain blessed

  Rose

  ----------------

  From: Bob Servant

  To: Rose

  Subject: Hello Again

  Rose,

  Great to hear from you again so quickly. I’m sorry you’re not enjoying yourself at the camp but at least you seem to have a computer and rapid Internet access.

  Thanks for the opportunity to give you all my information. I try regula
rly to give women my information and usually they pretend they’re not interested, but here’s you actually asking for it. Having said that I’m going to say ‘thanks but no thanks’ to the banking stuff because I am worried that if I became a multi-millionaire I’d alienate my hardcore fans like what happened with Bruce Springsteen and Aneka Rice.

  However, I have now firmly decided to crack on with this new book and would love you to be involved.

  Bob

  ----------------

  From: Rose

  To: Bob Servant

  Subject: Fill in the FORM

  Bob,

  Yes I have a computer but it is very old and I hide it from the others at the camp so it is not stolen. Bob send your information below. It is due now. I do not know what you mean about this book.

  (1)Your Full name:

  (2)Your Phone number:

  (3)Your Contact address:

  (4)Your Age:

  (5) Bank Name:

  (6) Bank Address:

  (7) Number of Account:

  (8) International Account Routing Number:

  Remain blessed

  Rose

  ----------------

  From: Bob Servant

  To: Rose

  Subject: RE: Fill in the FORM

  Rose,

  No problem, let me make it even clearer. I am writing a book that is a collection of my exchanges with Internet cowboys like your good self. What happens is I have a wee chat with you and then we shake hands and go our separate ways. You wouldn’t get any money from me but you’d see your name in print and it would be a funny story to tell your pals.

  Let me know if you are available.

  Thanks,

  Bob

  PS I attach a photo of the Dundee Waterstone’s bestseller chart from Christmas. As you’ll see I’m at number 1 AND number 4. That’s the kind of form you used to get from the Beatles for fuck’s sake Rose.