Why Me? Read online

  Thanks Michael, hope things aren’t too busy at the bank. It’s mental here in the UK just now, what with the Royal Wedding and all.31

  Bob

  ----------------

  From: Michael Wong

  To: Bob Servant

  Subject: Photo

  Bob,

  It would take me some time to present a bank ID Bob. There is a lot of security here. I would send the form to the bank if I was you with your account information and I can show my ID in the future. we saw this wedding here too it was very beautiful.

  Michael Wong

  Alliance Bank

  Malaysia

  ----------------

  From: Bob Servant

  To: Michael Wong

  Subject: I’ll wait

  Hi Michael,

  No worries pal, I’ll wait.

  Bob

  ----------------

  From: Bob Servant

  To: Michael Wong

  Subject:Checking In

  Michael, how are you getting on with that ID? There’s various websites on the Internet that should help if you’re struggling.

  ----------------

  From: Michael Wong

  To: Bob Servant

  Subject: ID

  Hello my friend, the ID is below. I just had to clear security. OK now I think we can proceed as planned and you can submit the information.

  Y f i nd Michl

  ----------------

  From: Bob Servant

  To: Michael Wong

  Subject: You Should be Proud of Yourself

  Michael,

  Well done that’s not a bad effort at all considering you were put very much on the spot. Well done Michael, you’ve managed to get away with that one, just like Sir Trevor McDonald got away with killing that hairdresser.32

  I’ll just look up the Alliance Bank now online and give them a call directly to speak to yourself: the one and only Michael Wong. It will be great to finally hear your voice.

  All the best,

  Bob

  ----------------

  From: Michael Wong

  To: Bob Servant

  Subject: DO NOT CALL THE BANK DIRECT

  Bob,

  Wait do not call there is no point I work in a secret department at the bank. They will not know me.

  I can call you or we can talk most safe with this email.

  God bless you.

  Michael Wong

  Alliance Bank

  Malaysia

  ----------------

  From: Bob Servant

  To: Michael Wong

  Subject: Timmy

  Michael,

  OK message understood. I have often suspected the banks have secret departments. I was once in the Bank of Scotland in Broughty Ferry and there was a man with red hair working through the back. I went in a week later and he wasn’t there and I asked one of the girls where the man with red hair was and she didn’t answer me. Not a peep. So who got to her, Michael? Someone had put the thumb screws on and it certainly wasn’t me, why would I? I managed to get a quick snap of him trying to hide from me and it’s attached. Have you met him on the banking circuit?

  Anyway, Michael, I wonder if you can help me. I mentioned my young son to you, little Timmy Servant. Well, he’s got to give a speech at Cub Scouts about what he’s going to do with his life and he needs some advice. He won’t listen to his old Dad here (who does these days? Not the wife! Or the dog! One likes wearing a lead and the other one is a good cook, and I’ve also got a dog! And a wife! One sleeps in a basket and the other one has a tail, and that’s the wife! And the dog! I feed one biscuits and the other one goes to the toilet in the street. And I’ve got a wife!) and so I was wondering if he would listen to you?

  Would you mind if I get Timmy to email you some questions to help him with his speech? I would hugely appreciate it and we could crack on with the business in the meantime.

  Your friend,

  Bob

  ----------------

  From: Michael Wong

  To: Bob Servant

  Subject: OK

  Bob,

  No i do not know this man but this is OK for me to talk to your son. I have a lot of experience here at the bank so if this is what he needs then yes of course this would not be problem to help your son because we are friends. This is what friends do to help the families. But Bob this must be an exchange and you must help me by providing your full information today OK?

  Michael Wong

  Alliance Bank

  Malaysia

  ----------------

  From: Bob Servant

  To: Michael Wong

  Subject: Timmy Will Be In Touch

  Michael,

  Great news and, yes, of course this is very much a case of you scratch my back and I’ll brush your hair. Timmy will be in touch today, I’ve just woken him up. He’s very cute in the morning with his little face and his four legs. And I also have a dog!

  Yours,

  Bob

  ----------------

  From: Timmy Servant

  To: Michael Wong

  Subject: Hello!

  Hello Michael!

  My Name is Timmy Servant and I am the wee boy of Bob Servant who is your friend.

  I want to have some advice please.

  Is it important to have friends because I do not have many?

  And what is the best way to get a pretty wife?

  Also how can I make money in life, what is the best way?

  What is the best way to talk to your father?

  Thanks for your advice!

  Timmy

  ----------------

  From: Michael Wong

  To: Timmy Servant

  Subject: My advice

  My dear boy,

  How are you doing today? Yes I am friend of your father Bob and have been waiting for your mail ever since he told me about it. I think i will try my best to anser the questions with the best of my knowledge.

  1. Is it important to have friends I do not have many

  I think It’s important to have friends because it can help your social development in many ways. Make sure your friends are people you want to be around. Some people are more comfortable naturally and that’s okay! You can still have friends. Also, having friends can help you develop a schedule for your days instead of what seems like just lounging around till bedtime.

  2. And what is the best way to get a pretty wife?

  Timmy, here’s the problem - a pretty woman makes her husband look small, and very often causes his downfall. As soon as he marries her and then she starts to do the things that will break his heart. But if you make an ugly woman your wife, you’ll be happy for the rest of your life. An ugly woman cooks meals on time, and she’ll always give you peace of mind. If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife. So from my personal point of view, get an ugly girl to marry you.

  3. Also how can I make money in life, what is the best way?

  If you wanted to get rich, how would you do it? I think your best bet would be to start or join a startup. A startup is a small company that takes on a hard technical problem. Lots of people get rich knowing nothing more than that. You don’t have to know physics to be a good pitcher. Why do startups have to be small? Will a startup inevitably stop being a startup as it grows larger? Why are there so many startups selling new drugs or computer software, and none selling corn oil or laundry detergent.

  4. What is the best way to talk to your father

  Contrary to teenage belief, parents are not tyrants! They are simply human beings doing their best to raise a child in the best way they know how. They provide food, shelter, protection, guidance, advice, and love in the best way they can. But, to answer your question, just approach your dad and say, ‘Dad, I need your advice on something that has been bothering me’, or something to that effect. I am sure he will listen.

  I hope I have been of some asistance to you Timmy now please tell your
father Bob I have satisfi ed this.

  God bless you

  Michael

  ----------------

  From: Timmy Servant

  To: Michael Wong

  Subject: I have a girlfriend already!

  Hello Michael

  Thank you so much for the advice! Some of it was what my Dad calls gibberight about women. I have never had a girlfriend before but after you gave me that advice I went and told a girl at school that I love here and I want her to come to my house for tea. She is the ugliest girl at the school but like you have told me now she will be loyal to me

  Your wee Servant,

  Timmy Servant

  ----------------

  From: Michael Wong

  To: Timmy Servant

  Subject: Tell you father

  You are a kind person Timmy. Now you are bringing the man out in you now, by thinking like a wise man. Please tell your father to do the business now.

  ----------------

  From: Bob Servant

  To: Michael Wong

  Subject: Party Time

  Michael,

  Just had a message from Timmy to say he’s got himself a piece of skirt and he’s bringing her back to the house tonight. My God, Michael, I don’t know what you said but you have worked some magic here! Timmy has never had any skirt before. I’ve invited my pal Frank round, he usually makes fun of Timmy so it will be good for him to see my son with his first skirt and my wife is also absolutely delighted about this. I’m going to nip down to Maciocia’s chipper and pick up their special ‘My Son’s First Skirt’ battered sausage platter.33 I’ve just finished preparing the house in celebration and took a photo for you.

  There’s lots of excitement round here at Bob’s Palace and it’s all thanks to you Michael, well done!

  34

  Bob

  ----------------

  From: Michael Wong

  To: Bob Servant

  Subject: Contact Bank

  Mr. Bob

  i am so happy about the Grace of God to help me answer your son question. its my pleasure today that you all are all happy today at you home it is nice to hear that. I hope this special meal is success and I want to say your home is beautiful with the special design. So Bob i want to ask you if you have contact the bank today? Hope to read your mail

  God Bless You And Your Family.

  Thanks,

  Michael

  ----------------

  From: Bob Servant

  To: Michael Wong

  Subject: Total Humiliation

  Michael,

  I am going to try very hard here not to lose my temper with you but it will not be easy because you have stitched me up like a kipper and thrown away the key.

  Right, well let me begin with Timmy’s so-called skirt. FUCK ME. Michael, at first I thought it was one of his mates dressed up as a laugh. In fact, make that two of his mates. I wasn’t sure where the mouth was, things were that bad. She looked like a hungover Geoff Capes. Timmy’s mum started crying and ran off and my pal Frank had an absolute field day, saying things like ‘He’s hit the jackpot there, Bob’ and then kept cupping his ear and giving it ‘do we hear wedding bells?’ until I threw him out.

  Anyway, I asked his alleged skirt to leave (you should have seen her walk Michael, she moved like a docker) and sent Timmy to bed even though he kept whining that it was all ‘Michael’s idea’.

  You have caused huge embarrassment to my family, Michael. To my wife and Timmy and, far more importantly, to me. I asked you to give Timmy advice and the next thing you know he winds up with a bird that looks like Michael Heseltine.

  Why have you done this to me?

  Bob

  ----------------

  From: Michael Wong

  To: Bob Servant

  Subject: Give him a chance

  Mr. Bob,

  I think you have to take it easy with your boy Timmy. You must be careful because I believe his choice of woman for life is for him. You can not choose everything for him in his life Bob is you want to really want to make him happy as a man. Beauty its not everything in life Bob. I have attach all the answers I gave Timmy so you can see I was only doing my best for you and your family Bob. Anyway let us forget this for now and finish the business.

  Your friend,

  Michael

  ----------------

  From: Frank The Plank

  To: Michael Wong

  Subject: GREAT FUN

  MICHAEL I AM BOB’S FRIEND FRANK. I JUST WANTED TO SAY HI AND THANKS FOR THE BEST LAUGH I’VE HAD FOR A WHILE. CHEERS PAL, I’VE BEEN CELEBRATING ALL DAY! I ATTACH A PHOTO OF MY HOUSE.

  ALL THE BEST AND THAT,

  FRANK

  ----------------

  From: Michael Wong

  To: Frank The Plank

  Subject: This is not what I wanted

  You are not a good man to make laugh of this and that is Bob’s house so why say that?

  ----------------

  From: Bob Servant

  To: Michael Wong

  Subject: It gets worse

  Michael,

  Things have gone a bit Spielberg here.35 Timmy’s not in his bedroom, looks like the little bugger’s run away. I’m off out to look for him.

  Bob

  ----------------

  From: Timmy Servant

  To: Michael Wong

  Subject: What is Your Address?

  Hello Michael

  It is Timmy here I’m hiding at the Internet Cafe. I have had problems with my Dad who is an idiot. He said my girlfriend was ‘an offence’ and asked her to get out our house so I climbed out the window and my girlfriend and I are going to run away. Can we come and live with you? I could work cleaning your house and my girlfriend says she could work as a bouncer at a local pub,

  Timmy

  ----------------

  From: Michael Wong

  To: Timmy Servant

  Subject: Go Home

  Dear Timmy,

  Yes your dad told me you are not around so please come back home with your dad please and tell your dad i told you to do this. Right now timmy do not worry about the girlfriend tell her to go home for now to her own home

  Michael

  ----------------

  From: Timmy Servant

  To: Michael Wong

  Subject: RE: Go Home

  Can we not come and live with you? My girlfriend says she could work as an enforcer for a local debt collecting company?

  Timmy

  ----------------

  From: Michael Wong

  To: Timmy Servant

  Subject: No

  No Timmy you must go home and tell your father it was me that told you to go home and this was why you did it.

  Michael

  ----------------

  From: Michael Wong

  To: Bob Servant

  Subject: Timmy

  OK Bob I have some news. I have found Timmy for you. he is very angry because you wronged him with his girl and embarassed him with her. I have spoken sense to him and saved this terrible position. He will come home now because I have told him. Bob i hope you appreciate what I have done for you here and if you are anyman of honor you will now send me the information i require.

  ----------------

  From: Bob Servant

  To: Michael Wong

  Subject: Keep him

  Michael,

  Good to hear from you. Listen, do me favour and tell Timmy to go and live somewhere else will you? The last couple of days have been absolutely terrific and it’s only now I realise how annoying and selfish Timmy can be. There has been a lot more food to go about and it’s been great watching the telly without having him whine about wanting to watch something.

  And the best thing is I’ll never have to see his skirt again. Honestly Michael, you wouldn’t believe it unless you saw it. I attach a sketch I’ve done from memory that is probably about 90% accurate.

  Cheers,

  Bob

/>   ----------------

  From: Michael Wong

  To: Bob Servant

  Subject: He is your son Bob

  Bob what is wrong with you? you are speak of your son i think your only son from what you said and you do not want him now? because of one mistake with this girl? bob let timmy come home and speak to him and yes if she looks like this at all then maybe the girl must go but not timmy as well. Come on bob sort this problem but most important send me your banking information now so at least we can start.

  You are a great concern to me bob causing problems even with my sleep

  Michael

  ----------------

  From: Bob Servant

  To: Michael Wong

  Subject: Sorry

  Sorry Michael, I don’t want Timmy back. I’ve stuck a pool table in his bedroom for a start. I’ve always fancied myself as a bit of pool player but I have always held back from putting a table in there out of respect for the fact that Timmy needs somewhere to sleep. But, as we both know, he has thrown that kindness back in my face. I sacrificed what could have been a promising career as a pool player for that kid and now it’s time for me to finally have a crack at the pool big time.

  The last few days have been a traumatic time for me, Michael, and I think I deserve a lot of sympathy and respect for what I’ve gone through. Please show some decency by not contacting me for a suitable period. Let’s say 18 months.

  See you on the other side,

  Bob

  ----------------

  From: Michael Wong

  To: Bob Servant

  Subject: RE: Sorry

  WHT ARE YOU SAYING NOW TO ME BOB????? AFTER ALL THIS AND MANY DAYS YOU ARE SAYIING THIS? YOU HAVE NOT GONE THROUGH ANYTHING BOB IT IS ME AND YOUR SON TIMMY WHO HAVE GONE THROUGH SO MUCH AND NOW YOU WANT TO FORGET YOUR SON AND PLAY POOL IN HIS ROOM JUST BECAUSE YOU THINK THAT IS MORE FUN THAN HAVING A SON??? AND TO ME YOU GIVE THIS LACK OF RESPECT DESPITE ALL I HAVE DONE FOR YOU AND YOUR FAMILY U WRITE BACK RITE NOW

  ----------------

  From: Timmy Servant

  To: Michael Wong

  Subject: We’re coming

  Michael,

  My dad won’t let me back in the house because he says he is a professional pool player now so my girlfriend and I are coming to you in Malaysia by sea. My girlfriend says she could play second row for your national rugby team. We’ve got a boat which you can see in the photo. see you in a couple of weeks