Why Me? Page 5
Yours faithfully,
Mike Christopher
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From: Bob Servant
To: Mike Christopher
Subject: You’re at it!
Mike,
The Cook Islands? You must think I’m stupid. Where do you live, Frying Pan City?
Give up.
Your Servant,
Bob Servant
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From: Mike Christopher
To: Bob Servant
Subject: The Cook islands
Dear Bob Servant,
What is this you are saying? The Cook Islands are recognised province. Do you want to act as next of kin? The commission is very kind.
Yours faithfully,
Mike Christopher
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From: Bob Servant
To: Mike Christopher
Subject: I hold my hands up
Barrister Christopher,
I have just had a look at my atlas and would like to apologise, as the Red Indians say, ‘with reservations’.16 I accept that the Cook Islands exist but I am also nervous about meeting new people from the Internet. I am an elderly man and also have a good few quid (don’t tell the wife!) (I don’t have a wife) and this makes me a target for likely lads and chancers such as this bunch below. They might be housewives’ favourites, Christopher, but they’re naughty with it!17
Yours,
Bob
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From: Mike Christopher
To: Bob Servant
Subject: A proposal
Dear Mr Servant,
Yes I understand your worries but do not worry in this case because I am a Barrister of course so this is legal and just. This is excellent Bob and I can confirm you are now the front runner to be the main benefi ciary of this will minus our administration fees which as normal will have to be paid first. They are very low, only $200, OK?
Yours faithfully,
Mike Christopher
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From: Bob Servant
To: Mike Christopher
Subject: Phone
Barrister Mike,
$200 is a drop in the bloody ocean. During Dundee’s Cheeseburger Wars I’d earn that much by putting my shoes on and the same again for brushing my hair.
Listen, It might be quicker to talk over the phone. Would you mind calling me?
Yours,
Bob
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From: Mike Christopher
To: Bob Servant
Subject: I will call
Yes of course I will call you at my expense Bob just send the number
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From: Bob Servant
To: Mike Christopher
Subject: Phone Number
OK are you ready?
----------------
From: Mike Christopher
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Give me the number
Yes I am ready.
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From: Bob Servant
To: Mike Christopher
Subject: Here we go
0
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From: Mike Christopher
To: Bob Servant
Subject: RE: Here we go
Hello Bob I think that did not come through please send it again.
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From: Bob Servant
To: Mike Christopher
Subject: RE: Here we go
0
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From: Mike Christopher
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Not coming through
That did not come through again sorry Bob please send again.
----------------
From: Bob Servant
To: Mike Christopher
Subject: Seems fine my end
4
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From: Mike Christopher
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Not right
Bob this is not correct I am not getting the full number please check that you are sending it.
----------------
From: Bob Servant
To: Mike Christopher
Subject: RE: Not right
4
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From: Mike Christopher
To: Bob Servant
Subject: RE: Not right
Bob what is this? You are not sending your number properly I am only getting one number through a 0 and now 4s what is this?
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From: Bob Servant
To: Mike Christopher
Subject: Eh?
I don’t quite understand your problem, I’m sending it through. 0044 is the code for the UK. Next bit:
1
----------------
From: Mike Christopher
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Send the whole number
What are you saying to me Bob? You’re sending me the number one at every time? Why would you do this Bob just send the whole thing.
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From: Bob Servant
To: Mike Christopher
Subject: Security
Mike,
As I told you I am worried about Internet security. Please give me the respect I deserve.
3
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From: Mike Christopher
To: Bob Servant
Subject: RE: Security
This is too stupid but OK. 004413 come on
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From: Bob Servant
To: Mike Christopher
Subject: 8
----------------
From: Mike Christopher
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Got it
0044138 OK more
----------------
From: Bob Servant
To: Mike Christopher
Subject: 2
----------------
From: Mike Christopher
To: Bob Servant
Subject: More needed
00441382 more
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From: Bob Servant
To: Mike Christopher
Subject: 2
----------------
From: Mike Christopher
To: Bob Servant
Subject: send the rest now
004413822 more
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From: Bob Servant
To: Mike Christopher
Subject: 2
----------------
From: Mike Christopher
To: Bob Servant
Subject: RE: 2
0044138222 more
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From: Bob Servant
To: Mike Christopher
Subject: Hang on
Sorry I’ve lost my thread a bit. I think I’ve gone a bit heavy on the 2s. Would you mind reading back what I’ve sent so far?
----------------
From: Mike Christopher
To: Bob Servant
Subject: OK here
0044138222 send the rest.
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From: Bob Servant
To: Mike Christopher
Subject: Remember the security!
Sorry, can you send it one number at a time? It’s safer.
----------------
From: Mike Christopher
To: Bob Servant
Subject: RE: Remember the security!
Are you serious?
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From: Bob Servant
To: Mike Christopher
Subject: Good Question
What do you think? (be honest)
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From: Mike Christopher
To: Bob Servant
Subject: RE: Good Question
FUCK you if this is not true
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From: Bob Servant
/>
To: Mike Christopher
Subject: RE: Good Question
4
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NO REPLY
16 This is one of Bob’s favourite jokes but has always struck me as a little obtuse. I once probed him at a corner table in Broughty Ferry’s Stewpot’s Bar on how exactly this selection of words operate as a joke. He replied, ‘A lot of people like Rolls Royces but do they know what’s under the bonnet?’ I answered that yes, those same people would be aware that under the bonnet of a Rolls Royce would be a Rolls Royce engine. Bob replied by asking if I thought the table had ‘a wobble’. I replied that it didn’t. Bob then spent five minutes frowning and wobbling the table with his hand before leaving for a lengthy bathroom visit.
17 Along with this email Bob sent three photos to demonstrate suitable ‘housewives’ favourites’. The photos were of David Jason in character as Del Boy, Ian McShane in character as Lovejoy and Osama bin Laden in character as Osama bin Laden. Unfortunately I cannot include the photos here as one of those three ‘likely lads’ refused permission (to be fair, it wasn’t bin Laden who did not cause the production of this book any problems at all).
6
The War at Home
From: Sergeant Gary Kaltwesser
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Offi cial US Army
My name is Sergeant Gary Kaltwesser. I am a trusted operator in the US Army Marines and currently on deployment here in Afghanistan. I am from Illinios and have 19 years service. We are under constant attack here and I am able to get on only when things are not wild but I saw your profile and thought we could have a connection.
Please dear tell me of your life and I will tell you of yours.
Your Sergeant Gary
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From: Bob Servant
To: Sergeant Gary Kaltwesser
Subject: Morning Sarge
Sergeant Gary,
Thanks so much for dropping me a wee line from the trenches. It’s wonderful to hear from a military man, and I will tell you right now that I’m firmly behind the troops. At the end of the day you lads are just doing your jobs and if a few heads get knocked together along the way then so be it.
It’s also great to hear that the Afghanistan gig is still going. I know that the Iraq roadshow got wrapped up last year and it’s an open secret that the boo boys reckon both Afghanistan and Iraq have been shite wars because of the lack of major surprises and the time difference.
Well, I’ve not given up on Afghanistan and I’m delighted to hear that you haven’t either, Gary. We’ve not had a good war since the Falklands and I still think there are a couple of wee twists in the Afghanistan tale yet.
Keep your head down pal.
Your Servant,
Bob Servant
----------------
From: Sergeant Gary Kaltwesser
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Hello there
Hey There,
Thanks for taking the time to respond, makes me feel we’ve got a connection already. I will love to tell you more about me it’s just that I don’t always get to log on there to chat. You’ll need to know that I’m serving the US Army Marines and currently on deployment here in Afghanistan. I am from Illinios and have served 19 active years with different infantry units.
I have been to a bunch of hot spots around the world and continue to do so today. I generally socialize outside of the military community since I’m single and my peers are pretty much all married with children. I am an avid athlete, having played most sports at one time or another – everything from Adventure racing to Wiffle ball! Someday I’ll move home and be able to surf, paddle and dive like I love to do.
Write back soon dear,
Sergeant Gary Kaltwesser
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From: Bob Servant
To: Sergeant Gary Kaltwesser
Subject: Hello there
Sergeant Gary,
What a life you’ve had, pitching up in the world’s hot spots looking all smart in your uniform. I get nervous driving through Dundee’s troubled West Ferry estate18 so I can only imagine what it’s like there in Afghanistan. Even popping out to the shops or heading uptown to look for skirt must be a real ball-ache.
Oh Gary, I hope more than anything that one day you’ll be paddling like you used to. And, if you’ll have me, I’ll be paddling right there beside you.
Fully naked.
Bob
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From: Sergeant Gary Kaltwesser
To: Bob Servant
Subject: This is what I want also
Bob,
Thank you and yes we will be together in this way. I want you to know am a man of one woman, I treat my woman with respect and care. Am a caring man, who show my woman what true love means, i work according to word of God. I’m a romantic man, I love going to the beach, listen to musics, love taking a walk, love going to the cinemas. I would describe myself as very caring a gentle and positive person.
I had like to meet a woman who is caring and considerate, someone I can trust and who will trust me and will always be honest with me, someone who enjoys laughing at the silly things that happen in life. Someone who is willing to share the work to make our home a comfortable place. Someone who likes to live in a tidy house too, I do not like to have things very messy.
What do you seek in your ideal man?
Your Soldier Man
Sgt. Gary Kaltwesser
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From: Bob Servant
To: Sergeant Gary Kaltwesser
Subject: My Ideal Man
Gary,
Great question. My ideal man would have a decent line in jokes, just under my ability would probably work best, and should always let me finish what I’m saying before having a wee crack at something himself. Also, I don’t like when men sometimes use their wives and families as an easy excuse to get out of things like sleepovers and I can’t bear the ones that clasp their hands behind their backs and sort of rock on their feet while they speak. It’s a cheap way of gaining control over a conversation and I will not have it. Not on my watch.
Hope that helps,
Bob
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From: Sergeant Gary Kaltwesser
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Hello Darling
Hi Hun,
How are you doing today? This is the man I am! it is like a dream that we have found each other. The woman I will end up with will love to spend time with me but also have her own life. We will share popcorn at an early matinee, search for treasures at local garage sales and touch, feel and squeeze the vegetables at a road side produce stand. She will be a perfect lady in public and our time behind closed doors will be natural and giving. She will be my life. I will be her ‘rock’.
I will send her roses for no particular reason, with notes like ‘Thank you for being in my life’. She will never doubt my feelings for her. She will become accustom to me mouthing the words ‘I love you’ across a crowded room. She will know how I feel about her. I will love, protect and guide her. I am looking for a lover, companion, friend and wife. Let the passion begin. i have butterflies running in my stomach now, i have never feel this way before.
Gary
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From: Bob Servant
To: Sergeant Gary Kaltwesser
Subject: Release the butterfl ies Gary
Gary,
There seems to have been a bit of confusion. I am a 64-year-old man from Dundee’s celebrated Broughty Ferry estate here in Scotland. I hope that information allows you to lie back, open your mouth and let the butterflies fly away unharmed.
Having said that I have no problem at all with squeezing the odd vegetable, mouthing stuff across crowded rooms and sending each other notes. However, if we were to do that then I’d rather we were mouthing ‘Isn’t this room crowded?’ and the notes said ‘How’s tricks? Fancy watching Zulu at mine on Saturday morning
?’
I thought we were going to be friends and talk about Army stuff but there seems to have been a terrible mix-up.
Bob
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From: Sergeant Gary Kaltwesser
To: Bob Servant
Subject: So Sorry
OMG . . . am so sorry about all this, i also met a woman online and i thought she was the one that has been mailing me. You said about naked and I thought that meant you were a women. Anyways it’s okay we can always be friend. Tell me more about you my friend and yes what do you need to hear on life in the Army.
Gary
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From: Bob Servant
To: Sergeant Gary Kaltwesser
Subject: Army
Gary,
Don’t worry about getting it horribly wrong on the skirt front because I know how that feels. My pals will probably write ‘He got it horribly wrong on the skirt front’ on my gravestone. They probably would too, the terrible bastards.
My Army questions are really just the ones you must get all the time:
How big is your gun?
Have you ever killed anyone?
Can you do a forward roll while running? What I mean by that is would you have to stop running and do the forward roll or could you go straight from running into the forward roll?
All the best,
Bob
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From: Sergeant Gary Kaltwesser
To: Bob Servant
Subject: RE: Army
Hi Bob,
Yes I have a gun like all Marines. We have different guns for different situations. We don’t just shoot anyhow or anybody but i have shot 4 bad men on their leg while trying to run off to explosive area and some passed away but they are all bad Muslim and corrupted people. Yes I think I could do run and roll as this is the kind of thing we train to do Bob.
I can’t talk too great right now. We are short of troops and also we got trapped in the desert where mines were everywhere so we have to go back inside the Capital until the whole mines was taking out. It’s seriously messy out here for now Bob. We also ran out of ammo until the rush team came in and help us out. It is just for the grace of God that kept us all alive.
Have been hearing about the situation in Libya, please my friend tell me some more.
Your good friend,
Gary
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From: Bob Servant
To: Sergeant Gary Kaltwesser
Subject: Bad Times
Gary,
Good to hear from you and sorry to hear things are getting so hairy. I’m glad you can do the run and roll and I strongly suggest you use it the next time you’re in a pickle. It’s a move that catches people seriously off guard. I used it at Dundee train station a few weeks ago in an attempt to get past the new barriers they’ve put in. Although I failed to get past the barriers, and was knocked out for fifteen minutes, the major reaction from the punters was an intense respect.19