Why Me? Page 4
Timmy
----------------
From: Jerry Jones
To: Timmy Servant
Subject: Yes I am Your Friend
hi,
Am Jerry Jones and am 10 years old i have black hair, blue eyes and am living in Hong Kong with my mum and dad am i love football, basketball, people says that i looks exactly like my dad cos he always there for me,
when i need him.
jerry.
----------------
From: Timmy Servant
To: Jerry Jones
Subject: You Are My Friend Forever
Hello Jerry!
Thank you for writing back. I love football as well I hope I will play today after school. I wish I had black hair like the other boys. I have yellow hair but I think it is stupid. Do you like Yellow Hair? What are you doing today and what is your school uniform? Would you like to see my uniform?
Your Dad sounds like a bellend.
Timmy
----------------
From: Jerry Jones
To: Timmy Servant
Subject: Yes friends forever now
hi,
I do not know what you mean but my Dad is a good man who looks after his family in every way. Do not worry about your hair you have nice hair. My uniform is jeans and a shirt yes I would like to see your uniform.OK you can give this to your school now. Tell your dad he must buy your football now.
jerry
----------------
From: Bob Servant
To: Dominic Jones
Subject: A bit of an awkward one
Dominic,
Timmy went out with his mother earlier and I had the opportunity to check his email account. I’m afraid I have some rather awkward news. Timmy and Jerry’s relationship seems to have moved very quickly from two kids messing about to something very different. I am sorry to say that they seem to have both been overtaken by that old pal of ours: lust. Jerry seems to be obsessed by Timmy’s hair which he goes on and on about like you wouldn’t believe. He also has a ‘thing’ for Timmy’s uniform.
Now, Dominic, I’m not against men who decide that the skirt are just not worth the hassle. I have seven Elton John records and once bought a full price ticket to see Ian McKellen star in a pantomime at the Dundee Rep Theatre. (To be fair I didn’t end up going because my dishwasher shortcircuited and flooded my kitchen but to blame my dishwasher problems on McKellen’s sexual preferences would be unfair to both McKellen and the dishwasher so let’s not go down that road.)
My point, Dominic, is this. If, when Jerry and Timmy are a little older, they still feel the same way about each other then I think we as parents should get together, have a wee drink and work out some rules. Whether or not they can have ‘sleepovers’ and so on. Right now they should barely be at the holding hands stage, as I’m sure you’ll agree?
Bob
----------------
From: Dominic Jones
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Forget it already
This is just mad you are not real.
----------------
11 Milne, Ralph (1961–). Popular Dundonian footballer who played for various clubs including Manchester United. Late in his career Milne played for a year in Hong Kong after a trial that involved him dribbling round an Asian football agent in London’s Green Park. This, believe it or not, is true.
12 The suggestion that Bob is or ever has been married is laughable. For reference read ‘The Great Skirt Hunt’ in Bob Servant: Hero of Dundee or save yourself £6.99 and simply observe the chapter title. The further erroneous suggestion that Bob has a child is the stuff of nightmares.
13 See The Dundee Courier, 17 November 2006: ‘European Football Minnows Shocked as Player Quits’.
4
Dr Kenny Wilson
From: Kenny Wilson
To: Bob Servant
Subject: From HSBC Bank
Dear Sir,
I am the Head Manager of the HSBC Ghana bank. I would like to make an honest proposal to you. You have my personal guarantee and assurance this transaction is 100% legitimate and Risk free and under the confines of the law. I shall also require your personal Guarantee that you are someone that I can trust because I will reciprocate same to you. I would like Fund transfer of (USD$15.6 million) to you on my behalf. 40% of the fund will be for your kind assistance, 60% will be for me while we both will take care of the financial expenses of transfer of the fund into your bank account, and 10% will be for settling the expenditure.
Do not entertain any kind of fear as I will be here to give you all information which the bank will require from you. I also have a link with the Executive Governor of the HSBC Bank of Africa here, but he does not know of my involvement in this deal because it is secret. I await your urgent reply,
Best Regards,
Kenny Wilson
Head Manager HSBC Bank Ghana
----------------
From: Bob Servant
To: Kenny Wilson
Subject: RE: From HSBC Bank
Kenny Boy,
A big ‘how are you doing?’ from Broughty Ferry, Dundee. I’m happy with my split of the 110% and I’m glad to be involved in something that comes to 110% because I always thought it was just something that football managers talked about.
One thing though, Big K. I know this is ridiculous, but can I just check that this isn’t a scam in any way?
Your Servant,
Bob Servant
----------------
From: Kenny Wilson
To: Bob Servant
Subject: This is legitimate
Hello Bob,
Thanks for your mail, as regards your question how you would know if this transaction is genuine, well i have all the related documents to the fund intact. You can send your full account details or even come to Ghana and together we can conclude things in order. i am hoping to hear from you ASAP to proceed.
This is my personal email now. It is safer to use than the bank email. Just call me Kenny.
Regards,
Kenny Wilson
----------------
From: Bob Servant
To: Kenny Wilson
Subject: Just trying to place you?
K-bomb,
Thanks for the email. I agree that it will be far safer if we switch from the bank’s Yahoo email address to your Yahoo email address. I have to say I would never have placed ‘Kenny Wilson’ as boxing out of Ghana. I’m a Dundee man myself and to me your name screams Glasgow and whispers Ayrshire?
Bob
From: Kenny Wilson
To: Bob Servant
Subject: My Name Is Normal
Bob
Well, that is my name and i do not think that has anything to do with business. I am a Ghanaian, i should tell you what our names are like, for your information my friend we bear names like williams, wilson, jacob, mills, woods etc
Kenny
Call me Kenny also not other ways.
----------------
From: Bob Servant
To: Kenny Wilson
Subject: Kenny It Is
Kenny (sorry for the nicknames, you don’t deserve that)
Let me make one thing as clear as ice. I was not in any way making fun of your name. I know a few Wilsons and there’s not a bad guy amongst them. I remember Turn-ups Wilson, with those magnificent trousers of his, once telling me that the Dundee Wilsons are descended from Alexander the Great. Have you heard this? I have to say that, as much as I like Turn-ups, I don’t think I’d let him lead me into battle!. Again, I don’t mean any offence against the wider Wilson community.
I hope all is well in Ghana and I won’t do the famous ‘Ghana Get You’ joke out of respect to you and your family,
Bob
PS Photo attached of Turn-ups Wilson
----------------
From: Kenny Wilson
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Ok let us do the business
Bob,
> About your question, i never made such inquiry to know if the wilsons are related to Alexander the Great or not but this does not sound true. I just want to know if you are still interested in helping me go through this transaction. Like i said before, i have all the related documents to the fund. Send me your banking information or come down to Ghana to meet with me over this issue, and together we can visit the security company where the fund is deposited to have it claimed and transferred to your account.
Regards,
Kenny
----------------
From: Bob Servant
To: Kenny Wilson
Subject: Chappy Williams
Hi Kenny,
I share your suspicion on the Alexander The Great front and will pass on the bad news to Turn-ups. If I may, can I also pick up on your associate with the Williams surname? One of my best friends here in Dundee is Chappy Williams, can you check if they’re related? He lives on the estate beside Safeways and has a slight stoop and does this thing with his eyes when he laughs that makes it look like he’s struggling to breathe. Does any of that ‘ring true’ for your Williams pals?
Although it would probably be easier if I just gave you my account details, I’m seriously tempted by the Ghana trip for a spot of sunshine. Would we be going to the beach? It’s April here but you wouldn’t have guessed it, other than the usual April’s Fool’s Day fallout.14 It’s absolutely freezing. I attach a photo of Broughty Ferry High Street taken this afternoon.
Bob
----------------
From: Kenny Wilson
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Listen To What I Say
Hello Bob,
Thanks for the picture looks nice. Listen Bob I did not tell you that i have williams friend, i only told you that we have names like williams, wilson, mills etc, i did not say i have a friend by name williams. Secondly, i told you that when you come to meet with me in Ghana, you and i will meet with the director of the security company where the fund is deposited and have the fund claimed and transfer the total fund to your nominated bank account in your country, then i will fly to meet with you in your country for the percentage sharing,
Kenny
----------------
From: Bob Servant
To: Kenny Wilson
Subject: Eh?
Kenny,
I apologise for the Williams mix up. I’m just trying to get my head round your plan. I fly to Ghana, we sort things out there, and then we fl y together back to Scotland? That’s the worst plan since Gallipoli. Why don’t you just send me the money?
Bob
----------------
From: Kenny Wilson
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Listen To Me
Bob,
Please we are talking about trust and a huge sum of money here sir, for me to be able to build trust completely that the fund is safe, i think it is just right that you meet with me in Ghana, we go through the process and the fund will be transferred into your bank account before i meet you in your country, it is very necessary you meet me in Ghana, it will afford you the opportunity to see the fund and to know that you are dealing with the real person, that is what i believe sir, expecting to hear from you with your arrival date and flight schedule, have a good day.
Kenny
----------------
From: Bob Servant
To: Kenny Wilson
Subject: I think I get it
Kenny,
Let’s do it. I’ll come to Ghana, we’ll get this sorted out at the bank, have a long (and dare I say boozy?) lunch then head to the airport and fl y together back to Scotland.
Any thoughts of what you want to do in Dundee? I attach a photo of the Desperate Dan statue in the city centre. It’s funny to get photos taken when you each put your head in between Desperate Dan’s legs and open your mouth as if to say ‘Oh God I can’t believe I’m doing this!’
Fancy it? It’s just a bit of fun.
Bob
----------------
From: Kenny Wilson
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Book Your Flight Schedule
Hello Bob,
Thanks for your mail and for agreeing to come to Ghana to resolve this issue, i appreciate greatly and i promise you will never regret your action. Sir i do not know exactly what i will be doing in your country for now, except for my schooling which is most important to me right now and I will have to do even when in your country. The statue looks good and I am happy to visit it but not if it takes away from my schooling.
I want you to send me your flight schedule immediately.
Regards,
Kenny
From: Bob Servant
To: Kenny Wilson
Subject: School?
Kenny,
What’s this school carry on? I mean, I suppose I could arrange for you to go to school while you’re here but you’re the main man at HSBC Ghana for Christ’s sake, are you sure you need to go to school? I know the janitor at Forthill Primary School so could probably sneak you in there but you’d be a lot bigger than the other boys?
I’ll fire up the Teletext now and look for flights to Ghana.
Bob
----------------
From: Kenny Wilson
To: Bob Servant
Subject: As a doctor not a school boy Bob
Hello Bob,
My schooling is that I would like to study medicine and become a medical doctor once this is all over. This is not unusual in Ghana for a man to go for one career and then one more. I will need to read my medical books while I am in your country to keep me OK.
Sir have you made up your mind when you will be arriving in Ghana for this transaction?
Regards,
Kenny
----------------
From: Bob Servant
To: Kenny Wilson
Subject: This Changes Everything
Kenny,
You’re a quack? This changes everything. Dundee Royal Infi rmary have been hit hard by the cutbacks15 and would love to have an extra pair of hands around the place. It would be a perfect match: you’d get some top-class experience and they’d get a free doctor who could also tell them funny stories about managing a bank and funny things that happened to you while you were managing the bank. That kind of stuff would be particularly handy in the awkward moments after a patient dies.
Let me give them a call now but in the meantime start packing because you should come here first and we can push the Ghana trip back.
Bob
----------------
From: Kenny Wilson
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Wait I am not a doctor yet
Bob I did not say I was a doctor now I said I am hoping to attend schooling and become a doctor in the future. No you must come here first Bob and then I will come with you to your country aftrwards. Confirm straight away that you will do this.
----------------
From: Bob Servant
To: Kenny Wilson
Subject: The Medicine Ball Is Rolling
Kenny,
Just off the phone to the hospital and it was a very positive phone call indeed. I told them you were one of the best doctors to come out of Ghana in years, that you have a bedside manner to die for (no pun intended) and you’d work for tips. I’m off up to the hospital now to hear their final offer and don’t worry I’ll be ticking off the major points – uniform, the lunch situation and car parking.
Bob
----------------
From: Kenny Wilson
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Do not go to the hospital
No Bob do not do this do not go to the Hospital at all. Look just send me your banking information and I will arrange this transfer for you and you do not have to come to Ghana. You must just send me $2000 to allow the transfer, OK? That is easier.
Kind Regards,
Kenny
----------------
From: Bob Servant<
br />
To: Kenny Wilson
Subject: Parking Space
Kenny,
Well that’s me back from the hospital. Where to begin? I’ll give you the good news first, starting with the uniform which was fine. Standard stuff, white trousers and long coat, pens in the top pocket. No problems there at all. Next up, lunch and no problems there either. Unfortunately you have to buy your own but I had a look at the canteen prices and they’re heavily subsidised. I used to be in the cheeseburger van game and, believe me, no-one’s getting rich off these prices.
That’s the good news. The bad news, in fact the real Hiroshima news, is car parking. They told me they’d allocated you a space so I went out to the car park and from the moment I saw it something just didn’t sit right with me. I don’t know what kind of car you drive, Kenny, but to the naked eye your car park space looks barely usable. I have taken a photo and added a can of coke to give scope. What do you think? A bit tight?
Yours,
Bob
----------------
NO REPLY
14 See The Dundee Courier, 1 April 1 2011: ‘Dundee Royal Infirmary “Overwhelmed” by Fool’s Day victims’ and The Dundee Courier, 2 April 2011: ‘Dundee Divorce Lawyers See “Staggering’ Spike”. (‘All I’d ask him is “Was it really worth it?” said one middle-aged woman whose right foot had been crudely superglued to a metal bucket’).
15 See The Dundee Courier, 3 April 2011: ‘Patients Fury at Royal Infi rmary’s “Pyjama Timeshare” Scheme’. (‘“I got afternoons,” complained one patient. “Who on earth wants afternoons?”‘).
5
Bob’s Phone Number
From: Mike Christopher
To: Bob Servant
Subject: A proposal
Dear Sir/Madam,
My name is Barrister Michael Christopher, a Senior Advocate and legal consultant in practice here in the Cook Islands. My client suffered a terrible violent death life alongside with his wife in a Beirut-bound charter jet plane crashed on the Monday, 9th January 2006, 12:12 GMT (details on Internet if required).
Prior to his death my client secured a contract worth millions of US dollars from the kingdom of Bahrain. As his personal lawyer and close confidant, all my efforts to locate any of his relatives whom i can present as next of kin has proved abortive. Therefore I am seeking for your consent to present you as next of kin and subsequently the benefi ciary of the fund. I will initiate this process towards a conclusion if you give me positive signals. I wait to hear from you.