Why Me? Page 6
I’m having my own problems over here just now, Gary. Broughty Ferry Bowling Club are holding their elections and I’ve thrown my hat in the ring as Social Secretary. I should be an absolute shoo-in for the role but there’s a guy Archie standing against me and he’s got the ear of the committee. I’m trying to find out what’s going on and will keep you posted.
Keep running pal,
Bob
PS No idea on Libya, the Dundee Courier aren’t big on foreign news.20 I do however know of the boy Gaddafi because of the famous rhyme –
If you’re going to a cafe
Don’t invite Gaddafi
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From: Sergeant Gary Kaltwesser
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Hello
My Friend,
Thank you for telling me about your life. It sounds like this club of yours has people with closed minds. This is not what I believe. I believe in freedom and this was one of the reasons I took this path. Now here in Afghanistan I am just trying to make this job work for my country and the people. It is not easy. Lots of civilians are innocent but there is corrupt suicide bombers and others who would shoot me and my men first chance comes their way.
What is tough Bob is not having the right provisions. I have food and shelter but I can always do with just a little extra for things like cigarettes and maybe some candy and things like this. Do you think as a friend you could send some money maybe just a little? $500 would make my life so much easier here for times when we are not under direct attack.
Gary
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From: Bob Servant
To: Sergeant Gary Kaltwesser
Subject: RE: Hello
Gary,
No problem at all, I will send you some cigarettes, a large bag of funsized Milky Ways and some spare military hardware in the form of an intimidating costume (photo attached). What’s the best address for you in Afghanistan?
Bob
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From: Sergeant Gary Kaltwesser
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Hi
My Friend,
Thank you so much for your kindness. I cannot accept packages because we are always on the move and no-one must know where I am so the money is best. Thank you for this Bob I will think of my Scotland friend Bob when I have my rest days and can relax properly with my cigarrates and candy.
Are you OK to send it today by Western Union?
True friend
Gary
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From: Bob Servant
To: Sergeant Gary Kaltwesser
Subject: The Bowling Club
Gary,
It’s all kicking off up the bowling club. I was up there earlier and the atmosphere could poison a shark. No-one is looking anyone in the eye and Archie is swaggering about the place like Eric Bristow on a stag do. I don’t like this Gary, I don’t like it all.
Will report back soon Gary. Over and out.
Bob
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From: Sergeant Gary Kaltwesser
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Do not forget the money
Bob,
Sorry to hear this you should ask about and get the true situation that is my main advice.
Did you get my note about sending the money?
Gary
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From: Bob Servant
To: Sergeant Gary Kaltwesser
Subject: Bugs?
Gary,
Well it’s as we expected. Archie’s apparently sown up the committee. They’re having a meeting tomorrow night and it sounds like he’s going to get rubber stamped through. This is unbelievable, Gary. I thought Britain was a democracy but apparently I was wrong. You were talking the other day about Libya. Well if that boy Gaddafi is run out of Libya then he should get himself along to Broughty Ferry Bowling Club because that mob would probably make him captain. It used to be run by good lads like Bill Wood and Jimmy Walker and it’s heartbreaking to see it like this.
I was thinking about heading back up there and hanging about outside the President’s window. Could you give me some military advice please, Gary? A lot of the time in films you will see people using ‘bugs’. Where can I get a bug and when I have hidden the bug how do I go about hearing the thing? Through a Walkman?
On second thoughts the bug plan sounds quite complicated. Would it be easier if you just taught me, over email, how to lip read?
Bob
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From: Sergeant Gary Kaltwesser
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Yes I can help
Hello Bob
You are having luck because I have 5 years experience in this field. First let me say please this should be confidential what i mean by saying confidential is that it should be strictly private just between you and me only so as not to jeopardies my life and my job.
For tapping in with a bug this can be done easily. I can give you an arrangement to buy one and tell you how to go about this. The right bug can be heard for 50 meters all around. I will show you how to use this when you buy it. this would be best Bob for you to buy a bug through me because for reading lips well this is very hard. Of course I can teach you from my experience but it would take a long time and is different for every language.
Your friend
Gary
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From: Bob Servant
To: Sergeant Gary Kaltwesser
Subject: Just Back
Gary,
Unfortunately your email didn’t arrive in time. I went up to the bowling club and had a look in the window but it was a complete washout. I tried to lipread but the only word I could make out was ‘super-injunction’ so I presume that was just part of the topical smalltalk at the beginning. The only reason I picked up that one was because the hyphen makes it obvious, but other than that I was stumped.
What I can say is the two of them were getting on great guns. Lots of laughing and stuff with the eyes that very clearly said ‘we are friends and this is fun’.
I’ve heard on the grapevine they’re having one more meeting tomorrow Gary so that’s my last chance. I’m going to head up with my neighbour Frank and have it out with them. I need advice from you in the morning, are you available?
Hope you’re having a fun night. I’m shattered so right now for me it’s a pie, a pint, pyjamas and bed. The three P’s. And a B.
Cheers,
Bob
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From: Sergeant Gary Kaltwesser
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Yes I can help
Hello Bob
I hope you slept well. I am having a bit of rest time. We have been in the battle field last night and it was crazy there Bob. Now I have a week away from the madness. Can you send the $500 by Western Union today so I can buy the cigarettes and candy?
If you send the money I can give you the best advice you will get for this problem at your club.
Your friend
Gary
From: Bob Servant
To: Sergeant Gary Kaltwesser
Subject: Waterboarding?
Morning Gary,
I was up with the birds this morning. Which is only fair, I had to sort out their taxis and so on.21
Right, let’s get cracking. Here’s the plan. The bowling club is shut today but I know the president will be in there getting everything set up for the election later. So me and Frank are going to head up and have it out with him. What I need from you Gary is interrogation tactics. I need to be able to get inside his head, how do I do that? And if he doesn’t talk how can I make him? Frank was saying his nephew was telling him about something called ‘waterboarding’ that the Americans have been going nuts for. Anything in that?
Bob
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From: Sergeant Gary Kaltwesser
To: Bob Servant
Subject: I know this
Bob
Waterboarding yeah this is something that we have to doo from time to time to get what we need from the bad Muslim we catch in the field. Its real easy Bob but best for now you send me the money before you go up to the club and then we can talk more. OK?
Gary
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From: Bob Servant
To: Sergeant Gary Kaltwesser
Subject: SHOW TIME
GARY ON WAY TO BOWLING CLUB FRANK IS IN A TRACKSUIT AND I HAVE ALL THE STUFF FOR THE WATERBOARDING ROGER OVER AND OUT FOXTROT
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless devic22
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From: Sergeant Gary Kaltwesser
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Western Union
OK Bob but go to the Western Union on the way and send my money.
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From: Bob Servant
To: Sergeant Gary Kaltwesser
Subject: GAME ON
HAVE STRIPPED PRESIDENT NAKED HE IS LYING ON THE FLOOR AND I AM ABOUT TO FIX THE HOSE TO HIS MOUTH
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device
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From: Sergeant Gary Kaltwesser
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Do not do this
Wait BOB. This is not right. Stop what you are doing. Clean up this mess with the man and go
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From: Bob Servant
To: Sergeant Gary Kaltwesser
Subject: RE: Do not do this
HE’S FILLING UP LIKE A FUCKING BALLOON
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device
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From: Sergeant Gary Kaltwesser
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Stop it
What The Hell is now going on?
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From: Bob Servant
To: Sergeant Gary Kaltwesser
Subject: RE: Stop it
IT’S ALL GONE SHITCAKES GARY. I’M OFF
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device
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From: Sergeant Gary Kaltwesser
To: Bob Servant
Subject: RE: Stop it
What is it?
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From: Sergeant Gary Kaltwesser
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Speak to me Bob
Hello Bob,
I did not hear from you yesterday. Are you there? Hope all now OK with this club and you can go to a Western Union?
Waiting to hear
Gary
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From: DI Lansbury
To: Sergeant Gary Kaltwesser
Subject: Your Assistance Required
Good Afternoon,
I am a Detective Inspector at Dundee Police Station and am investigating the murder of a local bowling club president. Right now, the case is still very unclear but it appears that he was inflated with water until the point of what the pathologist is calling ‘disintegration’.
My prime suspect is a man called Robert Servant. He is pleading his innocence and says that at the time of the murder he was ‘up a tree’. However we have now accessed his computer and I see you are the last person he had contact with.
Can you please explain the exact nature of your relationship with Mr Servant?
Yours,
Detective Inspector Angela Lansbury
Dundee Police Force
No problem too small
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NO REPLY
18 See The Dundee Courier, 16 February 2006: ‘Council Berated For Poverty “Celebration”’ (‘Dundee City Council were forced to defend themselves last night after marking the West Ferry estate’s inclusion in an EU document highlighting inner-city poverty with a drinks reception. “At the end of the day a European title is just that,” said a council spokesman. “We’ve put Dundee in the spotlight and on the lips of the Brussels top dogs. If anything, we should be applauded.”’)
19 See The Dundee Courier, 29 March 2011: ‘Station Management Slam “Kamikaze” Fare-dodger’.
20 See The Dundee Courier, 18 June 1939, p. 27: ‘Moustachioed German Invades “Poland”’.
21 Another of Bob’s favourite jokes. I would estimate that I have heard it over 400 times but have to concede this is considerably less than Bob’s desperately unfortunate postman.
22 Bob Servant owns no BlackBerry.
7
Why Me? 2
From: Rose
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Why Me?
Hello dear,
My name is Rose. I am 24 years old and am residing in the refugee camp in Sudan as a result of the civil war in my country. Please listen to this important information, My late father was the managing director of a major Factory and he was the personal advicer to the former head of state before the rebels attacked our house and killed my mother and my father in cold blood. It was only me that is alive now and I managed to make my way to this camp.
When my father was alive he deposited money in one of the leading banks in Europe which he used my name as the next of kin. The amount in question is $9.3 (Nine Million three Hundred Thousand US Dollars). And i have contacted the bank so that i can have the money to start a new life but they requested that i should have a foreign partner as my representative due to my living status here. I know that you would be a proper person for this. I know already that I trust you. I need only your information.
Yours in love.
Rose
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From: Bob Servant
To: Rose
Subject: RE: Why Me?
Rose,
Great to hear from you again. You appear to have sent me exactly the same email you sent me a couple of months ago so I am sorry to hear that things have not improved at your end. However, I’m disappointed to see that your $9.3m has not gained any interest in the meantime. I’m no expert, but an amount that large should really be on a decent interest rate. Anyway, things are progressing OK at my end with the book. I’ve met some great colleagues of yours in the Internet cowboy game and am just about to speak to some more.
As I said, you’re more than welcome to get involved?
Your Servant,
Bob Servant
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From: Rose
To: Bob Servant
Subject: RE: Why Me?
I remember you I told you I have no time. Yes this is the same email because things have not got better for me in the refugee camp if you have time to write a book then you should have time to help people in my situation but maybe you are just selfish man then OK fine I will find people with God in their lives because every day I fight just to get enough to eat.
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From: Bob Servant
To: Rose
Subject: RE: Why Me?
Rose,
OK, again that’s your decision not to appear in the book and once again I will fully respect it.
If I may give one quick piece of advice it would be that, if you’re really hungry, I would consider selling your laptop.
Yours in trust,
Bob
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NO REPLY
8
Twinklers
From: Financial Services
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Loan Available Now!
Do you need a loan for business or personal use? If yes contact us
----------------
From: Bob Servant
To: Financial Services
Subject: In The Nick Of Time
A big ‘Dundee hello’ to the world famous ‘Financial Services’!
Thanks for getting in touch. I need some readies badly. Can you Geldof me up?23
Your Servant,
Bob Servant
----------------
From: Peter Smith
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Application
Mr Ser
vant
Thanks for your mail. I want you to fill the information required for the processing of the loan request. Interest rate is 3% per annum. We put our client interest first in our transaction and we promise to give you our best
FILL THE BORROWER’S INFORMATION BELOW:
Your Name:
Your Address:
Your Country:
Your Occupation:
Sex/Age:
Loan Amount Needed:
Loan Duration:
Monthly Income:
Cell Phone Number:
Have a nice day and God Bless you. Best Regards,
Peter Smith Financial Services
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From: Bob Servant
To: Peter Smith
Subject: Quick Question
Peter,
Thanks for getting in touch, it’s nice to hear from the organ grinder directly. I think it’s fantastic that you’re lending out readies and Geldoffing up the people because it’s dark times round our way, Peter, what with the recession and all.
The Broughty Ferry branch of the Bank of Scotland has even cancelled fancy dress Fridays because it was hitting the wrong note. 24 Not before time to be honest, Peter, I’ve heard some horror stories. The boys from Berkeley’s Butchers went in with their redundancy cheques and were served by a six foot tall Noel Edmonds, while my neighbour Frank got turned down for a remortgage by Freddie Mercury which was a blow for him financially and has given him some awful nightmares.
So well done to Financial Services and yourself personally for stepping into the breach. Can I just check, are there any rules about what the loan has to be for? And you don’t have a branch in Dundee do you? That would save on the legwork.
Bob
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From: Peter Smith
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Application Form
Hello Bob,
I looked up Dundee in Scotland. This is a long way from us bob. We are based in the Financial Center here in Singapore. We also operate in India. We give out loans to all kinds of people, firms, school, churches and industries. So there are not rules for the loan purpose do not worry.