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Why Me? Page 2
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why me?
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From: Rose
To: Bob Servant
Subject: NO
OF COURSE I WILL NOT BE PART OF THAT. WHY WOULD I DO THIS? YOU THINK I HAVE TIME FOR THAT?
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From: Bob Servant
To: Rose
Subject: That’s Your Decision And I Will Respect It 100%
Fair enough. I’ll try some others.
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NO REPLY
2
Bob the Oilman
From: Alan Thompson
To: Bob Servant
Subject: National Oil and Investment
Welcome to National Oil and Investment. I have come to you because I believe you are a man to be trusted and who will understand business. Tell no-one about this opportunity.
I am American man currently working here in Togo to drill and sell the best OIL. Due to over production at our plant in Togo we are in a lucky position to send you thousands of OIL free of charge. Because this is a secret deal with no tax to pay you will pay only the shipment fee and the goods will be yours to distribute in your own country. You can sell one barrel of OIL for $175. Shipment is $50,000 for 50,000 barrels of oil so you can see the profit to be made.
Looking forward to hearing from you soonest,
Mr Alan Thompson
Director
National Oil And Investment
Royal Plaza
Togo
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From: Bob Servant
To: Alan Thompson
Subject: Oil Me Up
Alan,
The warmest greetings imaginable from Broughty Ferry, Dundee. Your email is one of the most exciting business opportunities that I have received by email from Western Africa this morning, and I can’t offer much higher praise than that.
I would love to be in the oil game Alan. Being from Dundee we have to deal with the Aberdeen oil mob up the road and it’s hard work. I don’t mind people being rich, God knows I’m not short of a penny, but I like it when they wear their wealth with quiet dignity like Her Majesty the Queen and Jimmy Savile. The Aberdeen mob are very much Novo Reach. They rub their oil money in your face (not in a saucy way) with their nice jumpers, matching shoes and high-end Ford Sierras.
This wee ‘back door’ into the oil business could be a chance not just for me, but for Dundee as a city to bounce back. It’s certainly exciting. I used to love that big American TV show about the family with all the oil money. The main guy wore a special hat and used to make long, inspirational speeches. Did you see it? I think it was called The Cosby Show.
Your Servant,
Bob Servant
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From: Alan Thompson
To: Bob Servant
Subject: National Oil and Investment
Dear Bob Servant,
CONGRATULATIONS! You have been accepted as a new customer for us. Let us start the administration straight away so you can have your OIL soon enough. I do not know this television show but I can tell you Bob that with the money you will make you will feel like you are on the television. Now fill this form and send back for immediate processing.
FULL NAME:
CONTACT ADRESS:
PHONE NUMBER:
SEX:
AGE:
OCCUPATION:
COUNTRY:
STATE:
MATIRIAL:
Looking forward to hear from you soon
Mr Alan Thompson
Director
National Oil and Investment
Royal Plaza
Togo
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From: Bob Servant
To: Alan Thompson
Subject: TV
Alan,
As much as I like you Alan, I certainly don’t want to feel like I’m on television after an awful experience I had last year. A so-called friend (Chappy Williams, the snake) convinced me that I was being interviewed for Blind Date but it turned out that I was actually on some Grampian TV nonsense.2
That aside, does this mean I have the job? Or should I say your job?
Bob
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From: Alan Thompson
To: Bob Servant
Subject: The Job Is Yours
Yes Bob you have the job! so please send the form.
Mr Alan Thompson
Director
National Oil and Investment
Royal Plaza
Togo
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From: Bob Servant
To: Alan Thompson
Subject: Your Forthcoming Retirement
Alan,
I will have a good look at the form later today. It’s great to be on board and cheers for appointing me to your job. I would like to thank you for all your work and wish you the best of luck for the future. As I will tell the lads at your retirement dinner, if I can be half the man you were, then I’ll be happy! PS recognise these little guys?
All the best,
Mr Bob Servant
Director
National Oil and Investment
Royal Plaza
Togo
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From: Alan Thompson
To: Bob Servant
Subject: National Oil and Investment
Bob,
That is my job. You do not have a title as you are only a customer. Please
fill in the form. What is this picture?
Mr Alan Thompson
Director
National Oil and Investment
Royal Plaza
Togo
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From: Bob Servant
To: Alan Thompson
Subject: Eh?
Alan,
I don’t quite follow what you’re saying about the job title, as the situation seems pretty clear at my end. Anyway, we’ve got more important things to discuss which is – what stories can I tell at your retirement dinner? Are you bringing the missus or can I be a bit risqué? A little birdie told me about the conference in Tenerife where a certain someone let his hair down quite spectacularly? There are whispers about you, a trolley dolly from Togo Airlines, a bath full of champers and a couple of dozen garden gnomes?
Kind Regards,
Mr Bob Servant
Director
National Oil and Investment
Royal Plaza
Togo
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From: Alan Thompson
To: Bob Servant
Subject: National Oil and Investment
Bob,
You are not right in calling yourself this. It is my job, please stop. You are a customer. I am not going to retire why would I retire when I am young and there is so much money to be made? I have not been to Tenerife and don’t know what this picture is about.
Send the form.
Mr Alan Thompson
Director
National Oil and Investment
Royal Plaza
Togo
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From: Bob Servant
To: Alan Thompson
Subject: Make Your Mind Up
Alan,
Sorry you’ve completely lost me. One minute you’re retiring and the next minute you’re not. One minute you’re boasting to anyone who’ll listen about a night with a trolly dolly and the next you’ve never been to Tenerife? What’s going on? Are you OK? I’m worried about you.
Kind Regards,
Mr Bob Servant
Director
National Oil and Investment
Royal Plaza
Togo
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From: Alan Thompson
To: Bob Servant
Subject: National Oil and Investment
Bob,
I want to get on with the OIL and send it to your country for you to make a lot of money but do you see that you are calling yourself my job? I am the DIRECTOR you are
the CUSTOMER. Do you understand? Do you not know business? I am NOT for retiring now. I have NOT been to Tenerife with anybody. STOP sending these pictures.
Mr Alan Thompson
Director
National Oil and Investment
Royal Plaza
Togo
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From: Bob Servant
To: Alan Thompson
Subject: Take It Easy
Alan,
Fine, you’re not retiring and you want to keep the Tenerife stuff under wraps, I get it. But hold tight Alan, to accuse me of not knowing business is laughable. Where shall I begin? With the fact that in the late 1970s I had the longest windowcleaning round in Western Europe,3 or the fact that in the late 1980s I had fourteen cheeseburger vans going like a train 24 hours a day?4 Or shall we talk about me being Broughty Ferry Businessman of The Year twenty-three years running?5
You choose Alan. Just you choose. OK?
Kind Regards,
Mr Bob Servant
Alan Thompson’s Best Pal and Hero
National Oil and Investment
Royal Plaza
Togo
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From: Alan Thompson
To: Bob Servant
Subject: OK Fine Bob
Bob,
OK, let us just forget the job title situation as this does not matter. Yes we are now pals for sure and I did not mean to say you are not a businessman. You must be a famous businessman in your country if you have done all this. What matters Bob is your order being processed properly by us and you can get your OIL and make this big money. Please fill in the form and send back for immediate processing.
FULL NAME:
CONTACT ADRESS:
PHONE NUMBER:
SEX:
AGE:
OCCUPATION:
COUNTRY:
STATE:
MATIRIAL:
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From: Bob Servant
To: Alan Thompson
Subject: My Garage Awaits
Alan,
I accept your apology and I’m glad we’re back on track. I have started sorting things out this end. Dundee is right on the River Tay so it shouldn’t be a problem reversing in your oil tanker. Once it’s arrived then it will be a case of getting the oil off and over to my house. I have a double garage with a much admired ‘cantilever roof’ so 50,000 barrels of oil should fit no bother at all.
Can you please give me the name of the ship and also the name of the captain? I will fill in the form shortly, I’m just waiting for the right pencil to make itself known.
Thanks,
Bob
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From: Alan Thompson
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Use Any Pencil
Dear Mr Bob
That is fine and we will deliver 50,000 barrels free of charge, you will simply pay the shipment. I will locate the name of the captain and his ship shortly Bob. Use any pencil or pen you have to hand it does not matter or best type it direct on the computer.
Mr Alan Thompson
Director NPC
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From: Bob Servant
To: Alan Thompson
Subject: Here You Go
Alan,
No problem, info below, please send over the names of the ship and the captain.
Cheers Al,
Bob
FULL NAME: Bob Godzilla Servant
CONTACT ADRESS: Harbour View Road
PHONE NUMBER: No phone after I accidentally spent over £3,000 calling a phoneline that I believed was about wildlife6
SEX: Totally Male
AGE: 64
OCCUPATION: Businessman/Man About Town/A Good Guy To Have
Around The Place
COUNTRY: UK/Scotland/Dundee/Broughty Ferry
STATE: Excited
MATIRIAL: Eh?
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From: Alan Thompson
To: Bob Servant
Subject: National Oil and Investment
Bob,
Thank you for your response. It is not all there but it is enough for now. OK, this is the captain’s name and ship name
Captain Newman
Ship name: Edmund
You want 50,000 barrels of oil. Shipment is therefore $50,000. Payment should be sent immediately through Western Union.
BANK NAME: ECO BANK LOME TOGO
ADDRESS:
A/C NAME.
A/C NUMBER:
SWIFT CODE:
DESTINATION: LOME TOGO WEST AFRICA
As soon as you transfer the fee, send me the transfer slip for confi rmation and immediate processing. Looking forward to hearing from you,
Mr Alan Thompson
Director
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From: Bob Servant
To: Alan Thompson
Subject: The Dundee Courier
Alan,
Thanks for the account info and it’s good of your friend to let you use his bank account for such a hefty wedge, you must trust that boy like there’s no tomorrow.
Anyway, exciting news. A little birdie (not the same one I mentioned before) tipped off the Dundee Courier (our local rag) and they’ve done a bit of a splash on our link-up this morning, the article is attached below. Also can I just check what we are talking in terms of crew numbers? I will tell you right now that I will not have the crew staying in my gaff (known around Dundee as ‘Bob’s Palace’7). It’s not that kind of place. They can either stay at my neighbour Frank’s house or if there’s a few of them then I will sort something else out. But Captain Newman (I like him already!) will have his pick of the bedrooms at Bob’s Palace, that’s a promise. And if I break that promise, Alan, then you can break my arm.
With a fucking sledgehammer.
Thanks,
Bob
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8
From: Alan Thompson
To: Bob Servant
Subject: National Oil and Investment
Dear bob
am glad to hear the news of DUNDEE In Shock Oil. we are very proud of you and we feel that the people will see you as a hero for sure. the director board of administrations has agree to shipped the oil for you as soon as poseble without any delay. we went to the bank to see if you have make the payment but not yet done. why? Bob kindly go to your BANK and make the payment today for immediate processing.
You are correct. The Ship will be about 200 crew members,
regard
Mr Alan Thompson
MD
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From: Bob Servant
To: Alan Thompson
Subject: Dundee’s Going Mad for Captain Newman
Alan,
A lot of excitement here about Captain Newman. He’s really got people talking. Men want to be him and women want to see him. Can I ask please, what are his main hobbies? And will he be happy talking about being a Captain and what other areas of conversation do you think he would want to talk about? The reason I ask is that I know from bitter experience how difficult captains can be.
In 1983 I bumped into Dundee United’s league winning captain Paul Hegarty in Safeways. He was standing next to the tinned fish aisle and quick as a flash I said,
‘Afternoon skipper, buying some kippers?’
It was a decent joke, not the best I’ve ever told (not even the best I’ve ever told in the tinned fish aisle) but the way he looked at me Alan, my God. It was a look that could have frozen the sun.
What I’m saying is this – Captains are unpredictable and sometimes they don’t like the same jokes as normal people. So I need to tread carefully with Captain Newman and would like you to give me as much extra info as you can.
Finally, please send me the names of the 200 crew members which I presume you’ll have close to hand in a file. It’s so I can book their hostel rooms. Nicknames are fine.
Bob
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> From: Alan Thompson
To: Bob Servant
Subject: National Oil and Investment
Dear bob,
Well Captain Newman likes all kinds of jokes and he likes everything such as smoke and drink. I have spoken to him and he says this is a great honour to stay with you at Bob’s Palace.
Here are your crew names for the hotel.
AARON, ABA, ABAY, ABBA, ABBOTT, ABBY, ABCDE, ABDIEL, ABDUKRAHMAN, ABDULKAREEM ABDULLAH, ABDULRAHMAN, ABE, ABEDNEGO, ABEEKU, ABEL, ABELARD, ABHAY, ABIE, ABIYRAM, ABNER, ABRAHAM, ABRAM, ABSOLOM, ABU, ACE, ACHAVA, ACHILLES, ACOOSE, ACOTAS, ACTON, ADAHY, ADAIR, ADAM, ADAN, ADARSH, ADDAE, ADDISON, ADE, ADEBEN ADELIO, ADEM, ADEN, ADIEL, ADISH9
Now Bob it is time to send the payment
Alan
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From: Bob Servant
To: Alan Thompson
Subject: The Names
Alan,
Thanks so much for those 200 names. At first I thought I could see some sort of pattern with them but maybe I’m imagining it. You also left a link at the bottom of your email to a website called ‘Baby Names’ so I presume you and Mrs Thompson are expecting a little one. Congratulations, I hope he or she grows up to respect you as much as I do.
For 200 people I think it would be best to stick them in the Sleep Tight and Don’t Fight Hostel in Lochee.10 I will get the rooms booked up now. I would estimate that the booking will also cost around $50,000 so shall we just call it level on the money?
Finally, a few last questions on Captain Newman.
You said he likes to drink, what is his favourite drink?
He’s obviously not shy of a party, is he a big fan of women (in Dundee we call them skirt, which they like a lot)?
Does he sing any songs at parties?
How long has he been at sea?
He sounds like a mad dog, is he a mad dog?
Thanks,
Bob
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From: Alan Thompson
To: Bob Servant
Subject: National Oil and Investment
Bob,
Answers below but that is it now, you must send the payment for the OIL shipment. We will pay for the hostel ourselves because that is the way we do business here. Captain Newman and I are both waiting. Come on Bob, send this payment and you will make more money than you will understand.
You said he likes to drink, what is his favourite drink? . . . RUM
He’s obviously not shy of a party, is he a big fan of women (in Dundee we call them skirt, which they like a lot)? . . . YES IF GOOD
Does he sing any songs at parties? . . . NO
How long has he been at sea? . . . 15 YEARS
Why Me?